#ted fucks people over but he’s nice about it which makes them feel guilty for being upset

[faramirsonofgondor]

A great example of ted’s non-confrontational approach is how Ted refuses to correct Trent when he asks if it’s true that they threw a party in the locker room for losing the match in s1. All ted had to do was say “actually that was a party planned for sam’s bday” and it would have changed trent’s attitude to some extent. But no, ted is too stuck in his “people will observe what i do and come around to seeing that i’m right” attitude. There was literally no reason not to correct the record and it made ted look totally unserious about his job!

Yes! Ted is a very non confrontational and I don’t really think he actually understands just how harmful his behavior is. He tends to handle most of his issues by ignoring them and believing that things will sort themselves out. He also acts like people will be able to understand what he wants from and adopt his mindset. Especially when Jamie is concerned. Jamie was harming the teams dynamic in season 1 and Ted just decided to be patient and beat around the bush instead of stepping up and telling Jamie to cut it out.

It sort of reminds of the scene in The Office where Stanley is very openly disrespecting Michael, and Michael tries to take the friendly approach but Stanley continues to be insubordinate and rude. But once Michael actually invokes his authority and tells Stanley that needs to cut it out and respect him, because Michael is his boss, Stanley begrudgingly cleans up his act and begins to respect him.

I think if Ted had done similar, he could’ve seen results from Jamie a lot sooner. The problem is that Ted dances around the topic at first and then gets increasingly frustrated when Jamie doesn’t meet his expectations. Telling Jamie to remember that’s he’s only of 11 and that he should be a team player is truthfully really unclear and shitty advice. Especially considering Jamie has issues picking up on “implied” messages. So, Ted thinks that he’s being clear and telling Jamie to pass the ball around, but Jamie probably didn’t really grasp that. Then the whole thing with stepping over Sam, and Roy trying to fight Jamie happened. And Ted decides the best course of action is to bench Jamie, and he’s still not communicating clearly on why he’s benching Jamie because he thinks it’s obvious. Then, when Jamie says he’s injured, Ted immediately assumes Jamie is lying and blows up at him. Like Ted’s reaction was extremely inappropriate. And I’ve seen a lot of people say that Jamie deserved it for being a prick and shit, but Ted is his boss, who’s nearly twice his age and who (in Jamie’s mind) is punishing him for unclear reasons. The fact that he NEVER clears any of this up is just so?????

And then the whole thing with Sam’s birthday. Like it’s not the only time that someone outright asks Ted something and instead of answering he just completely dodges it. There are so many things he should’ve clarified, like telling Jamie he never sent him away, or telling the team Jamie was coming back. Not to mention, he just never did shit about Nate’s behavior in season 2?? It’s just so frustrating when Ted is supposed to give the team guidance and be a good coach but then he ends up constantly contradicting his own standards for others. Like he says “be curious not judgmental” and then proceeds to be extremely fucking judgmental with Jamie.

I really just don’t think Ted sees how his mindset is hurting the people around him. He has a responsibility to the team to make sure that things go smoothly and they’re all happy and healthy but instead he avoids their issues half of the time, or gives them half assed advice the other half of the time.

Ted just needs to learn to be more direct with other people. His metaphors are so complex and time consuming half of the time and it’s actually a bit irritating. Like the whole Denver Broncos thing after Colin came out??? Ted could’ve just been like “we support you and care about you and whatever you’ve been going through” but instead he has to turn it into this whole speech. Some of Ted’s speeches are appropriate and well timed, but some of them also just really miss the mark.

It’s just really frustrating to see, especially considering Ted fucks Jamie over the most but he supposedly cares about Jamie a lot (which might be true but he never acknowledges how he’s hurt Jamie or that he’s never really shown him that he cares about Jamie). Like I think somewhere in s3 Jamie probably just came to the conclusion that Ted has a problem with him and only him because it seems like Ted is extremely lenient when it comes to everyone else’s shitty behavior but Ted got super mad at him (and the whole Zava shit). In reality, I think Ted has been getting away with being very indirect with other people because they’ve been pretty decent at picking up on what Ted wasn’t saying, but for people like Jamie it was probably just really frustrating and difficult because Ted was being confusing and then extremely angry.

I think Ted’s general avoidant behavior is where his “forgive him” advice comes from as well. Ted got by with never acknowledging or addressing Jamie’s trauma because other people were there to do it for him (Beard giving Jamie Ted’s note, Beard kicking out Jamie’s dad, Roy hugging Jamie, etc.) So when there’s no buffer, when it’s just him and Jamie and he’s not able to avoid the topic he tries to get Jamie to forgive and forget because it gives Ted an out from having to worry about Jamie and his trauma. In his mind, if Jamie just forgives his dad, then there won’t be an issue anymore. And it’s not just Jamie he does this with, he does it with a lot of the team. When there’s a certain situation he can’t relate to he either 1) tries to come up with a story or metaphor that encapsulates his mindset and perspective or 2) he tries to get other people to let their issues go. I think we see this most clearly when Isaac attacks the homophobe in S3. He is extremely aware of the fact that Isaac is upset about what was said, and not in just a “i hate being insulted” kind of way. Nobody just attacks someone like that because they’re insulted. But Ted is either purposefully ignorant or he just oblivious because implies that he should just let that kind of stuff go and ignore it. Which first of all, I really don’t think the locker room, in full view of the team, coaches, and Trent, was the appropriate place to have this discussion. Secondly, I think Ted just doesn’t get that not everyone has his mindset and some things just can’t be let go of that easily (I’m not saying Isaac was justified or anything). Thirdly, Ted should’ve waited for Isaac to calm down and reign in his anger and his frustration before saying anything like that.

Ted acts like his advice/mindset is perfect for every scenario when it’s really not. And it’s an extremely harmful way of thinking because it’s not just Ted that it’s affecting. Especially considering Ted doesn’t actually follow through with a lot of his own advice and expectations. Like the most prominent example I can of is Jamie, who seems to absorb everyone’s advice and follow it to the letter. He applies the advice he’s been given to his mindset and approaches every scenario with it. He understands the poop-eh metaphor and applies it the quickest and most consistently out of everyone in the team. The issue is that sometimes Jamie over corrects for things and it fucks with the boundaries Jamie has with other people. Like the entire scene where Jamie is expressing his concerns about Zava in a respectful manner, and yet here the coaches are making fun of him, telling him that he’s doesn’t really have a right to be upset, and assuming that it’s just his ego. Zava fucking steals Jamie’s first goal of the season, and nobody says shit. This is so inconsistent to Ted’s ideas and expectations in S1, and it’s just really unfair and unprofessional to Jamie. But Jamie doesn’t know if he’s allowed to address that or not because Ted is the one who’s in power and he doesn’t want to risk upsetting Ted again.

Anyways sorry this turned into a whole rant thing, I just have so many thoughts about all of this!

[masterthespianduchovny]

I’m curious as to how Nate’s redemption arc will be handled, esp because I often see him compared to Rebecca and what she did.

For a while I tried to understand why this comparison fell flat for me. Why, despite disliking what Rebecca was doing and wanting her to fail, I wasn’t as bothered by her actions than I am Nate’s.

Don’t get me wrong, what Rebecca did was fucked up. She hired Ted under false pretenses and undermined him every step of the way. However, it wasn’t personal. Well, not to those employed by or connected to the club. Her actions was very much about hurting Rupert. Again, not to say that that isn’t fucked up and even some would argue that’s worse. However, despite her ill intent, Rebecca didn’t actively berate or threaten anyone under her outside of Higgins. This is why players and other people feel comfortable around her, she was nice to them, listened, and helped when she could, despite it being all to maintain her image initially.

Despite Higgins being employed by her and her wielding that power, that dynamic is vastly different. They were friends of sorts for years and he had standing lunches with her, which he knew and may have even been instructed to set those up so Rupert could cheat. Rebecca thought she was laughing and smiling with a friend who enjoyed her, he was and he did, who was helping her husband cheat even though it was under threat.

Part of the reason Higgins endures that is because he genuinely cared for Rebecca and he felt guilty about what he helped put her through.

During this entire time, Rebecca isn’t rude, abusive, or threatens any under her. Even when she’s negatively reacting to something they’re doing, she pauses and finds a productive way to address the issue or ignores it.

Hell, she even brushes off Nate insulting her to her face and, in the second season, when Will grabs the boots without saying excuse me, she just moves and looks at him funny.

So even when Rebecca was at her lowest, she wasn’t being a raging asshole to everyone despite her act. And we see that her not mistreating those under her is on brand for her because 2. No one notes the change in behavior from one season to the next 2. How she treats others doesn’t change because she largely treated them well on a person to person basis.

Where as even before Nate got power, he was quick to yell at, put down, or insult people who he deemed as beneath him. Or, when he was especially angry, insulted his boss directly to her face because he thought she fired him. Keep in mind, Rebecca didn’t disrespect Nate at all AND he didn’t know about her scheme. So why was his first reaction to be rude? And he switched up so quickly as well? He didn’t even wait to see what was going on, just jumped to conclusions and immediately attacked.

We remember how he treated Ted and Beard before he found out who they were. Again, rude and to complete strangers at that.

Before Nate became a coach, it wasn’t that he was nice, he wasn’t. Nate was meek because he was beaten down, however, in a situation where he felt he had power, he was and an asshole. It’s not that Nate finally wants power over those who harmed him, he wants to wield power and it may not simply be because he’s always been powerless. To treat strangers how Nate did, to lash out at someone who has never harmed him, despite her power over him?

So when you get to the second season and see Nate being an asshole because he can? Being a complete and utter dick? Like, it would be easier to swallow if he was only rude to those who bullied him. We can get that. But those aren’t his only casualties in his mission for power and dominance. Even then, before beard spoke to him, he targeted players he felt he could get away with making rude comments to. He wouldn’t have ever said that shit to Jamie or Roy if he was still a player. Nate only respects people just as powerful or more powerful than him and that’s not okay.

The way Nate is behaving is antithetical to not only their current clubhouse culture, but also how ted coaches. He’s completely undermining Ted and the growth the players and team has made at large.

And it’s what makes his treatment of Will esp gross. Will is the most powerless person there and Nate knows that. The power imbalance is even more skewed than when Jamie and the others were bullying him. Nate is constantly on will’s ass about the smallest things, perceived or real, and treating him lack complete shit. He’s even gone so far as flat out ignoring him because he’s just the kitman. Will delivers the pens Nate orders and Nate does not acknowledge his presence, and then Colin walks in and Nate acknowledges his presence.

Will does a nice thing for Nate and because someone called him a loser online, he verbally abuses Will and threatens him. That’s fucking wild.

Again, outside of Higgins which is a different story, who has Rebecca treated like that? I’d even argue that Rebecca treated Higgins better than Nate is treating Will and others in general.

Rebecca did learn Nate’s name (or already knew it), supported his promotion, and participated in the surprise announcement. She never treated him or others like they were less than because she owns the club.

Even when you consider his relationship with his dad and how he’s treated, the bullying, and other shit, although those things adds context, it doesn’t explain all of his behavior nor does it erase the active harm he’s doing.

Because what I struggle with is: did Nate mean his apology?

No.

Nate didn’t apologize due to remorse, he apologized because he got caught and is learned how to be a better bully and silence his victim from getting help. Admittedly, part of this falls on ted, beard, and now roy, however, this is largely on Nate.

Nate didn’t suddenly become power hunger and an asshole, he always was. He just didn’t have the power.

Although I do believe he’ll get a redemption arc, I honestly hope they nail this. Because what he’s doing won’t be solved with a “do better” and apology. He also needs therapy, maybe to be demoted for a while, and some other shit I can’t think of.

I also think the other difference between Rebecca and Nate is that she did feel guilt. And I’m not saying guilt is enough to excuse fucked up shit, but it makes a difference when one feels remorse and the other doesn’t.

So you have Rebecca who wasn’t mistreating her subordinates, forming relationships with them, felt remorse, and became accountable when called out (other things happened too). Nate is mistreating his subordinates, not forming relationships with anyone, doesn’t feel remorse, and isn’t accountable when called out. I’ll admit, his story is in progress, however, we’ve seen glimpses of the nasty side of Nate even before he became a coach.

Because of this, we’re reassessing everything we thought we knew about him because most of his behavior isn’t new. He just now how power to wield, which plays into why we’re so unsettled by his development and some actively dislike him.

[tiptapricot]

I’ve been having a lot of Evil Robo BnT thoughts recently, so here’s a bunch of them! This ended up pretty long just as a forwarning djjdjd

Post DeNomolos, Evil BnT are forced to do a lot of self exploration and discovery

They’re two robots from the far future, stuck in the past with each other and the two humongously important historical figures they were not only sent back to kill, but also physically made to look and sound exactly like, with no way back to their own time and no further reason to carry out the mission they were created for

It’s a lot to adjust to

(Three uses of the f-slur near the end in a canon compliant/reclaimed usage context, and implied sexual content, but extremely mild)

It still doesn’t have much of an impact on them at first though, besides some anger and annoyance. They don’t feel emotions in the same way or to the same depth that humans do, so they kind of fall back on: this sucks and that guy was a dick, guess we have to live in the stupid past now, and that’s the extent of it

But they’re also AIs, and AIs learn and grow

They hide out in a cheap apartment for the first few months or so back, going out to steal money to pay for rent and to pick up movies and stuff, but it’s exposure to the world, it’s living. And the more they interact with people, the more media they consume, the more the rigid walls of their programming break down and expand

And that’s when things start getting complicated

Because that’s when things like morals, sense of self, purpose in life, and, to their horror, real emotions start coming into play

Their evil edges start corroding, things stop being as straightforward, and they start developing into their own complex people

Being Bill and Ted with a few glorified descriptors stuck on the front starts feeling… weird, especially when they inevitably end up running into them again and being around them more

Because they’re supposed to be Bill and Ted, but they aren’t, and yet they can’t completely deny the parts of themselves that are….. it’s frustrating

As a first step in both asserting and exploring their individuality, they choose their own names

Evil Bill chooses Willis, or Will for short, and Evil Ted goes with Theoneous, Theo for short

It’s different enough to feel like their own thing, while still appeasing the ingrained itch to take BnT’s place

There are gaps like that, a disconnect/mental dissonance between their consciousnesses and the knowledge that they’re robots, circuitboards and wires and code, like a separation between what they feel is them and what they feel is the robot

That’s an experience that continues as they grow, especially as they try and figure out what to do with their lives. It’s tough sometimes, to figure out where the programming ends and where their own wants and drives begin

They’re the only ones familiar enough with future tech to help each other when they experience technical issues or need repairs, and the only ones they feel comfortable being that physically vulnerable with

It leads to them being kind of codependent, but it’s warranted in a lot of ways

They also naturally stick closer to each other, because even though they grow to have emotions and are able to care about people, they aren’t totally mushy

They don’t get as upset about things, or as excited, and while they form their own kind of love for the people they end up caring about (without admitting it), they’re still never able to connect with humans in the same way they connect with each other

It’s this inherent wall, a difference in how they experience the world

Their forms of affection are machine based, just like how humans are human based. They’ll give each other cold packs when it’s hot or they’ve been moving a lot, they’ll do evening maintenance on each other, chatting while one of them has their hand in the other’s chest cavity, and they jump on each other or bang their shoulders together super hard, because they can’t feel a thing and they’re durable enough for it, and that’s fun to them

That doesn’t really carry over to human interaction though, and a lot of times they end up coming across as cold or mean

They generally have a rougher seeming relationship than most humans. There’s a lot of teasing and insults and slapping, which turns most people off from them, but that’s how they show they’re comfortable (it’s also how they show they don’t like people, but there’s a subtle and meaningful difference there, AKA that they won’t purposefully try to harm the former party)

Robots process sound differently too, for them it’s more of a physical experience than just listening

Will’s guilty pleasure is that he likes to listen to piano (secretly), especially Debussy and other classical that sounds similar. Something about it makes his circuitry feel good and fuzzy and calms him down

He doesn’t feel comfortable telling Theo about it, it still feels like a dumb pussweed thing to be into (plus it continues to make him have some most non metal thoughts about kissing and That’s DEFINITELY not something he can share)

They also both really like death metal. Though they were loosely programmed with the knowledge of BnT’s music taste, it’s not quite their style, and they lean towards the more intense stuff

They do that in most fields though, since it usually takes higher energy stuff to get them going/excited/into something

That’s why they roughhouse a lot, and mess things up, and drive recklessly, it forces their mechanics to process more things more quickly, and as a result gives them their own form of dopamine/adrenaline

Sometimes things backfire, they’ve fucked themselves up accidentally on more then one occasion when stuff goes too far or isn’t what they expect, but they’re always there to patch each other up

When their synth skin gets ripped or torn they don’t always bother to repair it, and underneath there’s a layer of see through hard plastic and their bodies look like those clear case electronics that were popular in the 90s (idea cred to @juiceboxfrog !)

They also have inspector gadget-like telescoping stretch arms at their wrist and ankle joints, but they don’t use those much because they’re unsettling to most humans. Definitely a leg up when they want to climb places the shouldn’t, though (idea cred to @showbiz-za !)

Theo is more prone to needing fix ups than Will, since the extra wiring that was installed for the time and space spanning camera DeNomolos gave him made him more susceptible to short circuiting, over heating, and other glitches

After awhile he just takes his left eye out and leaves it like that, keeping his hair in his face to cover it. It doesn’t do anything for the internal parts of it he still has, but it’s not like it’s a loss. The connection port kept sparking, and it was uncomfortable and kept fucking with his vision, so it wasn’t worth it

Plus he didn’t really like that it used to be a camera… or still could be

One of the things Will and Theo both have to get used to is actually valuing their own privacy and autonomy

When DeNomolos was around they were just his tools, tools that he didn’t even like

They honestly grow to resent him pretty fast, both with his treatment of them, and, when their emotions are especially out of control, his creation of them

They don’t talk about it much, or when they do it’s mainly anger, not addressing or showing the more raw parts they do feel, because that’s still foreign to them, and their circuits weren’t designed to process or understand more complex stuff

Complex stuff like how being around Ted more makes Theo develop a certain… insecurity

It’s not like the connections are hard to make: he looks like Ted, he sounds like Ted, he was meant to be Ted, Ted has a dickweed of a dad, and Theo had a dickweed of a creator, Ted has Bill and Theo has Will

But Theo doesn’t have Deacon

And while he doesn’t want to be exactly like Ted, part of him also does (it was made to). Part of him wants to be human, to have those natural connections and someone to watch over

But he doesn’t and it’s weird*

He tries to ignore it, chalks it up to his drive still attempting to put him on his original track of replacing Ted, and therefore making him more aware of the family roles Ted has

For all he knows that is what it is, he’s just a robot after all

Even though they aren’t really ones for mushy love, Will and Theo do love each other

You can’t not when you know the other person inside and out, literally

They joke a lot about that when they’re doing repairs (“Dude you’re holding my heart, pretty faggy of you.”), and though they laugh, there’s an unspoken intimacy to it, something that sits warm in their wires and goes beyond platonic; something (though they would never describe it as such) loving about getting to take care of each other, and getting to get taken care of

The jokes also stop being jokes after awhile and take on a charge, morphing into unofficial flirting

Eventually that charge sparks, and their relationship becomes a different kind of physical. That’s new, too, a type of exploration neither of them are familiar with, but it’s nice, it’s good, and it’s easier to write off as casual and not meaningful than anything else (for the record I do think this works/plays out different for them than it does for humans, but I will nOt get into that here or anywhere lmao)

That arrangement doesn’t last forever, though, because one night Theo has a bad malfunction that cause him to completely power down, and it sends Will into a panic

It takes him almost an hour to fix the problem and for Theo to reboot, and when he comes back Will can’t stop touching him and checking in and it’s weird

“Why are you so worked up dude, this’s happened plenty of times.”

“Yeah I know you just… you fritzed out and went limp and it freaked me out dude.”

“So? You know this is nothing to worry about. I don’t get why you’re kinda acting like such a pussweed dude.”

“I didn’t know what was wrong! That’s plenty of reason to be fucking worried!”

“Not for you! Not for us! Why the hell do you care so much this time?”

“Because I love you, asshole!”

And then there’s silence, and staring, and then Theo cracks a smile

“Heh, fag.”

Kissing after a confession, as it turns out, makes both of them short circuit, and they wake up three days later still tangled up on top of each other, half falling off the apartment couch

“Y’know… I think we’re both fags now dude,” Will whispers, and they chuckle in the space between their mouths. “I did it first though.”

*he does get this later with Billie and Thea, but that’s a whole separate post

(As one last thing wanted to add that Love Came Along by Pansy Division perfectly encapsulates the vibes of Will n Theo’s relationship to me, AKA something casual and almost humorous while still being super intimate and emotional, so def check it out if you’re ok with suuuuper explicitly sexual lyrics bfgjgfdfg)

Headcanons masterpost

[blackqueenstarseed1]

The Friend

Chapter one - Fall out

Paring -  Rafael Casal x black!reader AU

Summary - You've been in love with one of your best friends for years, you've actually agreed to reveal your feelings to Daveed, but what happens when you find out he's got a new girlfriend. Will his best blonde-haired pal be the one you've always been waiting for?

Warnings - slight angst, heartbreak, Alcohol

Word count : 2,274

Note: Let me know your thoughts please. I love Rafael, and he needs more love on here. 

I’m also making a tag list, let me know if you want to be apart of it.

“Not that dress it’s giving grandma vibes.”, your roommate Jamie said leaning against the doorway to your bedroom. As she nodded towards your floral dress that was in your hands. 

“Well help me find something, I wanna make sure he noticed me this time.” You mumbled closing your eyes imagining his beautiful brown eyes that can warm an entire room. And that smile, oh that fucking smile that felt as pure as the source of light. Returning back to reality you signed, “I’m gonna tell him how I feel tonight, and  I- I want it to be special. You know?”

Jamie raised her brown, walked towards your bed, and took a seat next to you. Staring you in the eye giving you her concerned motherly look, oh here she goes, you thought not wanting to hear another lecture, especially with your nerves today. “Listen y/n, no matter what happens tonight just know that you don’t need some guy to be happy okay? Daveed is an idiot if he doesn’t see how much of a wonderful person you are.”

That was his name Daveed, Daveed Daniele Diggs, and you were in love with him since you first met at freshman orientation which was five years ago. You wanted to tell him how you felt, but he was in a long-term relationship with a girl named Lisa. But about three months ago he learned that she was cheating on him for over 4 years. You honestly felt bad at how happy you were at the news, throwing yourself a little party at some misdeeds. No, really you actually did throw a little party, from buying a mini cake, and jumping up and down as ‘lovely day’ by bill withers played through the stereo. Pathetic. With that, you decided to give him time to heal before you tell him that you were helplessly in love with him. Three months should be good enough you mused.

“Yea, yea I get it. Love myself before someone else. I didn’t ask for a Ted talk, but okay.” You replied getting up from your seat, throwing the dress back in the closet. “Now help me find something to wear. Let me see if that fashion degree was worth it?”

Jamie chuckled, shaking her head at you. Walking into your closet she nodded, “sure.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your stomach was beginning to do circles as you and Jamie arrived at the party. It’s okay you can do this ...after some drinks… but no I should stay sober for this.

“Y/n! Jamie! Come and take a shot with me.” Oak yelled, walking towards the pair of you with two shot glasses in his hands. As he came up to the both of you his eyes went wide as he looked at you up and down inspecting your outfit. “Damn y/n, you look ummm, y-you look, I-I mean wow.”

You nodded with a satisfied smile on your face. I hope Daveed likes this too. “Thanks, oak, and no thank you I’m the DD tonight.”

“Cool, cool. Well, I’m over there if you need me.” He winked and walked towards a group of guys.

“Hey wait, I never said that I didn’t want one,” Jamie yelled frowning as Oak walked away selectively not hearing her plea. Turning towards you with a knowing smirk on her face, she shook her head. “See I told you bitch. You’re  fucking hot.”

“Oak flirts with anything that moves, that was nothing.” You mumbled, rolling your eyes. It was true though, you loved Oak to death but if you had a penny for every compliment he gave to anyone you’d be a trillionaire.

“True but- Oh fuck look who just arrived. Twelve o’clock your way.” Jamie mumbled and nodded her head towards the front door. Slowly looking up your heart began to beat fast, increasing in an unhealthy way. Daveed walked in the room like the goddess that he was, dressed to the gods, hair moisturized to the lords. He waved at people nearby as he walked further through the party getting closer to you. Jamie squeezed your shoulder, giving you a warm smile. “Do it now, so you’ll have the rest of the night to drink the pain away.”

You nodded not being able to reply as Daveed walked up to you.

“Hey! Y/n, Jamie. It’s good to see you both.” He said with his beautiful eye smile lighting up the room giving Jamie a side hug. Pulling you into a warm hug looking you up, and down biting his lips. “What’s been going on with you? I felt like we haven’t talked in years!”

“Oh, y'know works have been pulling me in all areas.” You replied, wishing you had taken the shot Oak had offered you earlier. Liquid courage can be a good thing. Gathering the little courage you had you shot him a smile, “Actually I been wanting to talk to you about something-“

“Thanks, diggs for the correct directions. I really appreciate it. If you haven’t noticed I’m being sarcastic.” A voice yelps in the near distance interrupting your plan to drag Daveed away, to confess your love for him. Balling your fists trying to keep your cool, looking up trying to see who was brave enough to interrupt a girl so helplessly in love. Wearing a yellow ‘Oakland’ hoodie, with glasses on, walking towards you with a girl walking beside him, you signed as you made the person out. Rafael Santiago motherfucking Casal, great, now you didn’t hate him per se but you greatly dislike his white ass. From disagreeing on everything, arguing over stupid shit, him teasing, and poking fun at you every chance he got on you. Let’s just say you two weren’t exactly close. Walking up to the three of you he smiled, “ Hey, Jamie. I love ya man, but never ask me for a favor if you can’t cooperate okay.”

The fuck did he just ignore me. You thought saying a silent prayer in your head trying not to go off on his ass.

“Sorry, my phone went dead once I realized I gave y’all the wrong direction,” Daveed mumbled, shrugging his shoulders, reaching his hands out to the girl who arrived with Rafael. What? Who is she? “ Guys I want y’all to meet my girlfriend Serena.”

At that moment you could’ve sworn that the entire room can hear your heart-shattering in millions of pieces. After all this time of pinning after a guy, you always cared for giving your every thought to, but in reality, he will never give you the time of day. Fuck I’m a desperate piece of mess you thought feeling your throat getting hard. Fuck don’t cry you weak bitch. Jamie looked up in surprise, her eyes instantly falling on you shooting you a sympathetic look. But no you weren’t gonna be a bitter bitch just because someone wasn’t into you, you were better than that. Putting all of your feelings aside you nod. “Nice to meet you I’m, y/n, and that’s Jamie.”

“You too. Oh my god, I love your outfit, it's beautiful.” She smiled, making Daveed grin as he pulled her into a side hug, happy that she was getting along with his friends. Mumbling a small ‘thanks’, you felt defeated, not only was she pretty, but she was nice too. You couldn’t even hate her if you tried, at least his last girlfriend Lisa was a total bitch, something that your whole friend group silently thought as well. Which was good because it didn’t make you feel guilty for your feelings for Daveed because you had a villain in your love story. Kissing her cheek making her giggle, Daveed smiled and looked up at you. “So what were you trying to tell me earlier?”

“Oh, um it was nothing. Just forget it. Listen I should go see everyone else.” You rasped, pointing towards an area of the house far away from them. “It was good seeing you all.”

 “Okay, well don’t be a stranger.” Daveed frown noticing the change in your state, just a minute ago you were on cloud nine. Serena waved bye at you. While Jamie stared at you squinting her eyes, silently asking if you needed her, you shook your head no. Rafael glanced up looking away from his phone for a moment and mumbled. “See ya.”

Oh? so he did know that I was here, fucking bitch.

Grabbing a bottle of vodka on your way out towards the pool area, you found a place farther away from any eyes. You began to take a gulp from the bottle. “Fuck.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I guess I don’t need this.” You laughed fully drunk after finishing almost half the bottle of vodka. Standing by the pool with the letter you wrote Daveed in your right hands, and a lighter in your left trying to burn your feelings away. Maybe it was because you were drunk off your ass, or maybe the lighter was cheap as hell. But It wouldn’t work no matter how much you flick the little rolling thingy. “Fuck can something work for me for once. DAMN IT!”

“Hey what the fuck y/n! Are you trying to burn the house down?” Rafael yelled running up to you snatching the lighter from your hands. Making you jump in surprise, him coming out of nowhere throwing you off, so much so that you slipped on a puddle of water nearby. Feeling gravity defy you, You gasped “Shit.”

But before you could even fall into the pool, you felt warm arms around you. Looking up into the eyes of the person who saved you from embarrassment. You tilted your head, eyebrows furrowed, confused as to why the guy who hated your entire existence decided to save you from humiliation. Rafael’s expression hardened. “Are you insane? What if you would’ve gotten hurt?.”

“Please, stop yelling. My head hurts, and the room is spinning.” You whined, placing your hand on your forehead trying to block any more noise, coming your way. You didn’t need someone, especially him, making you feel guilty for drinking your feelings away. Because you weren’t in the mood right now. Shoving the letter back into your purse you glared at the blonde man, 

“Leave me alone.”

“There’s no way I’m gonna leave you in this state. I mean look you can barely walk.” Rafael proclaimed pulling your arm sitting you down on a nearby bench. “Stay here.”

He walked back into the house as you sat there with a dumbfounded look not believing that he was actually trying to help you at this low point. Coming back towards you he hands you a bottle of water. “Drink this.”

Squinting your eyes at him wondering if this was a setup and if he poisoned the water. You decided to take the risk, and grabbed the water from him and mumbled a small  ‘thanks’ as you gulped down the water. Rafael nodded watching you finish the water pleased with your compliance. “You good?”

“Yes. Thanks,” you replied, playing with the top of the bottle trying to avoid any eye contact with this confusing man.

“Ain’t that’s what friends are for?” He mused, staring into your eyes with his beautiful eyes. You always thought that Rafa was a handsome man, especially with his way with words, and his wisdom was simply out of this world. And your attraction to him never fully went away, especially after your altercations. But just because you think he’s cute doesn’t mean you’ll go out with him, he’s still Rafael the guy who gave you hell. Peering up at him leaning further into the bench you replied. “Friends?”

“Yes, friends. What?” Rafael questioned eyebrows raised at your statement.

“I’m just saying I never consider you a friend, and I’m pretty sure you would say the same too.” You confessed not caring how honest you were being. Liquid courage 1, sober 0.

“Ouch.” Rafael chuckled, as he jammed his hands in his front pocket. 

“I’m serious Raf, for as long as I can remember. You couldn’t stand to be in the same room as me, and now you wanna help me. What’s your deal? Huh.” You demanded crossing your arms, glaring at him. Wanting him to stop playing games with you.

“That’s not even remotely true! I-I, look listen to me when I say this. I know pain when I see it, and it’s written all over your face. I just want to make sure you don’t do anything stupid. Okay.” Rafael answered threading a hand through his hair, his lashes fluttering. Staring deep into your soul, bringing an unfamiliar sense of comfort to you. Damn he really is serious

“Thanks, but I’m fine. And I don’t need you to check on me.” You argue, looking away from his intense stare. Rafael huffed, shaking his head in return. “Sure.”

Sitting in silence for a few minutes Rafael stood up from his seat and jerked his head in the direction of the back exit. “This party is getting pretty boring. You wanna go grab something to eat.” 

You honestly didn’t know what to make of his sudden interest in you. For the longest time, the only attention he has ever given you was to either say something rude, or correct you. This was definitely weird, yes, but you were too drunk and too hurt to care right now. Glancing up towards the house seeing Daveed with his arm around Serena. You frown, tearing your eyes away from the man who still had your heart. Standing up, throwing the water bottle by a nearby bush, you nodded. “Let’s go.”

[dykeceit]

janus' playlist not-really-analysis just me screaming

so first of all this whole playlist absolutely SLAPS, its the first side playlist that's just my taste and it doesnt surprise me that it's janus' bc of course it is i am absolutely 100% more attracted to him now somehow,

im absolutely not okay and this isn't gonna be articulate in any way but i. have to.

1. black hole sun

???hes sad?? apparently its about depression with some sexy snake metaphors....maybe hes just sad in general or he misses virgil. also postmodern jukebox hell yeah

2. it seemed the better way

this feels like it could be about patton or like thinking one thing and then realizing its not true ig could be that w society in general or people...him developing his trust issues possibly "i better hold my tongue, i better take my place" or like oh the other sides hate me ig ill be a villain then...

3. anywhere

janus sanders says fuck capitalism!

4. talking at the same time

eat the rich,,,virgil left me:(

5. all the good girls go to hell

he's needed and the others are starting to realize it. hes quite smug abt it "my turn to ignore ya, don't say i didn't warn ya" damn right boy

6. denial

he blasted this song after svs while crying "please don't turn the light out, i don't think the conversation's over" he had to wait almost a year but he finally got to continue that conversation,, "i know where you'd wanna go, oh i do, but do you?"

7. trust in me

i mean yeah sexxy snake moment right here

8. razzle dazzle

so obviously its just his aesthetic tm but the lyrics...are the jabs at roman or himself, perhaps both? i never took him to be very insecure but that's a possibility

9. when the chips are down

basically his speech about society in svs and how he doesn't want thomas to be disadvantaged in it

10. mandy goes to med school

uhhh yeah who knows there's a bit of a i know what im doing jk vibe going on and Doing Harm but the thing itself is necessary to Have yknow right to abortions its just theyre not legal so hes doing them illegally and apparently two ppl died from them so not great,,"my partner brian" at the end made me think of remus tbh "hes a nice man, thoroughly reliable, he's in a rock band" kinda gives off the vibe of eh yeah hes totally reliable lmao dw tho, so basically what im taking from this is dukeceit is canon thanks for coming to my ted talk

11. i put a spell on you

i mean its definetely his Vibes but idk if its @ anyone specifically...could be virgil, could be roman, maybe thomas himself...its a vengeful kinda song, hes like fuck you you're listening to me now im done you treating me like shit

12. evil night together

so aside from this being an extremely hot song its def dukeceit vibes as in they'd both like it but the hero part as others have pointed out is giving out major roceit vibes and thomas and co know this those bastards

13. cabaret: don't tell mama

im assuming this is more of a..this is what he likes to listen to plus its about secrecy which is his thing but i guess "mama" could be someone in particular as well, and/or he could be singing it to someone in particular...

14. you're a cad

bruh. first of i loved this song already secondly iM SORRY THOMAS WHAT ARE YOY IMPLYING HERE like first i was like this isn't abt Him right that wouldn't make sense so is it about...virgil...well ofc it is bruh what the fuck bro....im loving this bc its casting virgil in an unsympathetic light and i love that shit but also its revealing janus still Feels quite a lot for him and idk how to feel abt this i. the part of me that still loves anxceit is screaming and the part of me that hates virgil is also screaming they haven't stopped for a minute-

15. as far as i can see

so dukeceit vibes possibly virgil reference since he "went down the staircase" to his spot,,so basically he and remus maybe virgil and orange too like pushing ppl down the stairs bc they feel unheard

16. criminal

this is where the angst train rly starts choo choo....so. who is he singing about here. my god i want it to be roman so bad but it Could be virgil...which would imply he thinks he's wronged him somehow which would mean virgil has a more valid reason to dislike him and I Don't Like That. but whoever hes singing about is clearly important to him... "he's all i knew of love" bro....that's just screaming virgil right i dont like it op...basically he feels guilty for smth and to be "redeemed". he clearly doesn't need redemption from his canon actions so far, and he hasn't acted like he regrets any of them, which is making me think its abt smth in his past buut maybe he does feel bad for manipulating roman now bc he realized how hurt roman was and thats what i wanna believe it's about ok roceit rights except roman youre a bitch apologise

17. change

this made me fucking lose it bro im still losing it ive lost it. he's not okay and neither am i....bro i didnt think he'd be so....insecure but....i mean all of them seem to be so...but yeah this song is very,,,i have trust issues and im learning to love again vibes and i am crying while my wig is being ripped cruelly from my head....i choose to interpret this as less like ive been bad uwu i can change and be good now and more as ive been too afraid to care bc im so aware of the harm it can do to me but i realized its worth it so im trying now....and i think that's beautiful

18. devil in the details

hes telling thomas to Just Do It. he "made amends in the general sense" but "the devil's in the details" and he "knows the cause" and "wants to stop" but he "just can't do it". this seems kinda like more virgil angsty times for me or maybe the cause is just him being...him and just being well i cant stop being my function so...but he sees it as The Reason theres still animosity even if hes "made amends".

19. come little children

first i was like bruh its a bop but y is it here. but the lyrics are basically repeating how horrible the world is, "murdering beauty and passion", and the singer doesnt have to be killing or kidnapping the kids maybe its just a friendly fae helping some abused kids yknow you never know...basically fae!janus confirmed i know you have connections with them thomas i know you do

20. into the unknown

i like that this is short it kinda feels like hes coming to say okay im done bye after this whole musical that is his playlist. i am ashamed to say im not familiar w the plot of over the garden wall but someone said smth abt killing kids. well yknow how it is sometimes...but yeah very sexy, very fae, i will stan forever etc.

[btscreatorscorner]

Project Summary: Travel with a few members of the team here at BCC as they sit around a bonfire and reminisce on the days of summer. We will tell you interesting stories about tales that may be a little exaggerated about the members of a group of 7 guys that we have come to love. 

Links to stories and edits will be added as they are posted!! We will reblog the stories and edits as well~ We hope you enjoy!

Seeing each other was honestly a dream. It felt surreal to be able to meet up and camp with so many people from an online network, and they were smiling and laughing as they talked in person (some for the first time ever). The lulling sounds of the ocean waves became a white noise to everyone as they set up their tents and gathered firewood. They were having so much fun talking together that time had passed quickly, evening fast approaching and the sun sinking into the horizon creating a sea of colors in the sky. The sight was truly breathtaking. 

Simi’s and Lillia’s eyes locked onto the waving group down the beach. “Welcome everyone,” Alexis smiled as she returned to the campsite after scoping out the beach. 

“Hey Alexis! How’s the beach look? Any shark teeth?” Lillia asked, returning to chopping onions in preparation for dinner.

"You say that like she'd know. Are we forgetting that she's the ‘blind’ one?" Simi replied, snickering at Alexis's squint.

From the small crowd gathering on the beach came a range of different accents. Some were easily pinpointed and others a little more difficult to locate. Lillia continued guiding everyone down to the beach, within the group was a small and rather tired Jester with a large bag. Situated at the bottom of her bag was some sort of rolled up bedding.

“Excuse me, sorry I’m late, airport customs tried to steal my Vegemite” Jester called, eyes gazing straight past Simi’s shoulder. With no hesitation she dropped her luggage in the sand, kicked off her shoes and sprinted towards the ocean.  

Halting mere inches from the water, she teetered, waving her hands and trying not to topple into the surf from her abrupt stop. 

“Almost jumped in with my phone and your American paper dollarydoos” she shouted, racing back to the group. 

Jester proceeded to empty out her pockets, dumping twenty and fifty dollar notes and her phone into her shoes and running full pelt back to the water. With a warrior cry, she dove into the ocean causing quite the splash before the water stilled ominously.  

There was no sign of her — had she disappeared? An alarming amount of time went by and the group shuffled nervously before she breached with all the elegance of a blue whale gasping and flopping onto her side. 

A few of the others joined Jester whooping as they splashed into the water, others set to tasks they thought were a little more pressing, like designating tents. 

With what little sun they had left, they had managed to hold a few fun activities and lots of conversations.

As the sun finally set the sweet cotton candy colors in the sky darkened and from its depths emerged twinkling lights, the mood changed along with it. Food was tossed on the grill, the inferno causing the aroma to fill the beach. Everyone’s mouth was watering, excited to finally dig in. 

Simi was trying to organize gluten-free buns on one side and regular on the other. “The veggie burgers have finished. I cooked them on their own so it’s all good. I’m about to cook the meat patties — last call for meat-free grilling” Lillia called to the group with a bright smile, expertly flipping the spatula in her hand and getting back to work when there were no complaints.

The large group slowly began making themselves plates of food and once everyone was situated, the group was silent for a brief moment before Alexis decided to strike up some conversation. 

“...I think that would be a great idea, don’t you guys think?” 

The sounds of wood crackling could be heard in the background. Sepha watched as the smoke turned into the black of the burning wood and then to the fire-y orange and undertones of red. It had only turned out that way when she watched as one of the women drizzled more fluid over the fire. 

Looking to her left, she saw a welcoming smile and couldn’t help but feel guilty for not hearing the rest of what had been said.

“Sorry?” Sepha asked, watching as the rest of the group surrounding the fire laughed at her in confusion. 

“What kind of scary stories are you into? You know… typical gory types or mystery, maybe romance—” Lillia repeated emphasizing the last genre. 

“Murder mysteries are the most interesting…” At this, Amunet smiled at Sepha’s response and she couldn’t help but return it. 

“I like romance! You know the ones where people just go camping to see the stars, and the moonlight and it just smells like chocolate and marshmallows.” All eyes followed the light voice which sounded across the fire, belonging to none other than Kyub. Gabi couldn’t help but share a hopeless shrug with Sepha, who poked at the fire with her long stick. 

The fire gave a loud crackle, “Sounds nice...but with this kind of night when there’s no moon and just the sound of nature around you — it kind of makes you want to tell scary stories for the fun of it.” Alexis seemed to agree to Sepha’s last sentiment and continued roasting the marshmallow. 

“You’re right, though. Just darkness and nature, makes me think of murder.” Bubbles started up again which only earned a dry chuckle from across the circle. 

Mae spoke up for the first time, saying “morbid, but sure, what the hell” as she fidgeted with her own stick, apparently inventing something the campers could only assume was a s’more kebab. She seemed to struggle immensely considering the graham crackers didn’t have any holes in them for her stick. But they all watched, intrigued, as Mae continued stacking: cracker, marshmallow, chocolate, cracker, marshmallow, chocolate, cracker—

“What are you doing?” This time, the voice came from just outside the circle, Amunet was returning from her tent wearing a thick navy blue pullover sweater. She was looking at Mae’s invention with an arch to her brow but otherwise unphased. 

“What does it look like?” retorted Mae,  gently waving the kebab around for everyone to see which earned a couple of laughs from everyone as a graham cracker broke off. Mae’s resulting cursing drew even more laughs. 

Lillia began to clap, “A’ight! Let’s start with some stories eh?” She looked around, giving everyone her signature friendly smile before settling on Sepha. “I think you should start some things off Seph, with you know, all that murder mystery enthusiasm you have.” 

“Huh?” She was caught off guard, looking to see everyone anticipating eyes had fallen upon her and when she looked around the waiting company, she could see Kyub giving a soft encouraging smile. The nervous laugh bubbled out of Sepha's lips before she could stop it, and with a scuff of her feet against the sandy ground she was ready. 

“I-um—you guys ever hear that phrase,” The cautionary pause gave Sepha time to think it over, “You ain’t Jiving man?” There was a quick shake of Bubbles’ head to her far left.

“I have no idea what that means.” Jester hummed stabbing at least twelve marshmallows with a long skewer-like-stick. Another culinary mad genius. 

“It’s from the 70s, all that slang shit. Supposed to mean: ‘Is that the truth?’ Or at least the equivalent to it.” That earned hums all around as Sepha licked her lips, wondering how to start off her story. Mae and Jester smiled encouragingly as Sepha shook her head to focus herself before diving in. 

“Well, that phrase kind of relates to this story...at least kind of...maybe...I don’t know,” Sepha watched as Mae grabbed at the remains of a broken graham cracker, her frustration obvious enough in the way she picked at the pieces but it only earned her a cheeky smile from Bubbles who was right next to her. “I’m sure you guys heard of the case of Ted Bundy right? You know, infamous serial killer.” 

“He was fucking insane and not even handsome. I don’t even know what girls saw in him during that time.” As she spoke, Jester’s face twisted like she had bitten into a lemon and all Sepha could do was nod in agreement. She watched the fire again, poking at it and watching the ash burn up to the surface. 

“Well...I’m gonna tell a survivor story. Her name was Carol DaRonch, one of Bundy’s survivors and—”

“We should call her Katie! For, you know, copyright reasons.” This time the voice belonged to Bubbles; it was soft but managed to grab everyone’s attention in time before they could all fully dive into the story. At her suggestion, Sepha nodded and chuckled, poking at the fire once more, sending an array of sparkle-like embers into the night sky. She quickly moved the toe of her boot just enough to not get any of the burnt ash on it. 

Sepha nodded vigorously again and continued.

“Yeah...yeah let’s call her Katie…” she licked her lips once more and looked up to see the dark depths of the night sky there wasn’t a cloud in sight. When the group stared at the fire they could almost hear the sound of Marvin Gaye. The campers could feel the heat wash over them, in a way that reflected the heat of Florida. 

“It was a college party...in the summer of 1974….” 

“Okay, well that was dark. Interesting, but dark. I like it.” Mae had shifted from her seat on a log onto the dirt beneath, slumping with her back against the bark lethargically. Others nodded in agreement.

“Shall we lighten the mood with a happier story?” Bubbles asked, lifting her hands to warm them above the lively fire. It was quiet for a second before Mae spoke up again.

“I have one.” She changed her posture to sit slightly straighter when all eyes were on her. “It’s about a couple that got turned into fairies while camping in the woods one summer night.”

“Is that a drug reference?” Lillia raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“No.” Mae frowned.

“Knowing you, ‘turning into fairies’ could mean anything.” Lillia shrugged, earning chuckles from the group. The fire crackled just as Mae sent a sharp glare at the woman, but her lips betrayed her as they began to curl upwards at the teasing.

“My story has nothing to do with drugs— but it does involve magic.” This caught the attention of the crowd. “Did you know that fairies occupy many wooded areas around the world? Yeah, they tend to hide from humans, but in desperate times they can use their powers to recruit our help, just as they did last summer. 

“It happened somewhere in the Rocky Mountains in August of last year…”

Those scattered around the fire were left captivated by the fantastical tail Mae had spun. They had even paused from their s’more-making escapades, each slowly contemplating the idea of fairies. Some eyed the surrounding area outside the camp, others picked up where they left off preparing more marshmallows for their delicious dessert endeavors. In amongst the slowly roasting marshmallows was one completely engorged in flames. 

“Uh, Jester your marshmallow is on fire?” 

“Yup, that’s how I like them” She grinned brightly with green eyes sparkling full of mischief as she blew out the fireball that had encased the blackened crispy confectionary that once resembled a marshmallow. She shoved it into her mouth and shouted “My turn!”

“I have a good one.” Jester’s sharp grin seemed to be hiding something. “Hold onto your hats, this one is from my trip to Greece. You must always be careful when you travel to another country because anything can happen.

“It started in Mykonos...”

“And that’s what happens when you meet strangers in another country. I should have learned from the first two times I went overseas” Jester shrugged “Wild stuff, though”

“Actually no” Gabi interjected, pointing her finger in a pause gesture while she collected her thoughts. 

“Nope” Kyub’s eyes were wide; she blinked, once, twice in disbelief. Before she shook her head as if trying to rattle the thoughts back into place.

“That’s famously not what happens when you meet strangers in another country” Gabi continued her thought with a small sound of concern. 

“Yeah, I’m with them — that is most definitely not what happens.” Sepha laughed as Jester looked up confused. “Most people don’t go home with strangers, though, so I guess you could be right.”

“I mean yeah, that one was my bad I guess” Jester laughed.

“Who’s next?” Amunet asked excitedly, wishing to listen to more of the nightly stories.

Kyub looked a little nervous but after taking a deep breath she was determined to unleash her summer tale by way of pictures on her phone. “Mine isn’t exactly a story, I have some photos that I took over the summer that I think really tell a story. It was in a cemetery” her voice was sweet and gentle. 

“We would love to see!” Alexis smiled reassuring the young girl. Everyone seemed intrigued by the idea of the photos and how they would tell the story.

“It’s up to interpretation...”

“That is amazing, how did that even happen?” 

“You know the saying, ‘a picture is worth one thousand words’ and you have two” Jester grinned “like he is keeping the flowers a secret or like the flowers are something he loves and cherishes but keeps hidden.” Other voices chimed in:

“It feels so sad.”

“It feels so jarring that the colour is stripped away.”

“I like to think the first image is kinda, like, wistful or reminiscing and then when he looks down it is the reality.”

The entire camp seemed hit with raw emotion. There was a collective look of disbelief and someone sighed “That is so well done.”

Everyone had finished their stories and games for the evening and numbers started dwindling as the late hour took the sleepy camp goer’s. They all were settling for the evening, tents and sleeping bags rustling in the background alongside the occasional giggle, whisper and yawn.

Rolling out the khaki green bedroll, was Jester looking small in the contrasting light from the fire and shadow from the night. 

“Jester, where are you sleeping, do you wanna share a tent?” Gabi asked, deciding to offer a shelter. 

“Nah, I got my swag, I’m gonna lay by the fire and watch the sky.” She laid back and squinted up at the stars. “You should visit my little corner of the world where the stars look like milk.”

Credits: Thank you @youarejesting for working on this masterlist and @kyub for doing the amazing banner! And thank you to all of our writers, editors and betas who worked hard on this project: @youarejesting , @kyub, @dead-starlight, @bubblebunnylia, @sweetnspicy93, @bussy-posts, @jiminniethemarshmallow​, @moccahobi​, @yourmoonchild1023​, @jung-hoseok-s-airplane​, and @hesperantha​ for betaing the masterlist!!! 

[idontwanttowhy]

Review: Holiday Love ホリデイラブ (2018)

A frustrating Fatal-Attraction-esque jdrama

Synopsis

Takamori Azu (Riisa Naka) has been leading a seemingly perfect life with her husband, Takamori Junpei (Takashi Tsukamoto) and their daughter Nanaka. However, her world crumbles when she is told that Junpei has been cheating on her with a part-time co-worker, Izutsu Rina (Matsumoto Marika)--by Rina's husband, Izutsu Wataru (Nakamura Tomoya) no less. To make matters worse, she discovers that Rina won't let go of Junpei and is doing everything in her power to destroy their relationship. A rollercoaster of betrayal, mistakes, and obsession ensues.

AC Overall: 8/10, be prepared to be mad

So this drama is about people being unfaithful in their marriages and the tolls that takes on themselves, their relationships, and their families--and ultimately how they dealt with it all. I was very frustrated throughout the drama, partially because of the cheating and partially because of how everything panned out. But what kept me watching was the mistress, Rina's, plans to be with Junpei, despite both his wife's efforts and her husband's efforts to separate them. Be prepared for Fatal Attraction-level obsession. Matsumoto Marika did a great job playing the obsessed, unstable mistress. Give it a watch for the mess of it all, from will-they-won't-they get back together drama and possible revenge cheating, to unhealthy obsessions and extreme ~moves~ because of it. Some of it was predictable, but the execution was creative at times. And it's pretty short, good for a binge.

AC Review (Spoilers, and very long)

Ngl, this drama had me Fuh-RUS-TRA-TED practically the whole time. Bc I 1) could not understand Junpei for cheating and 2) tbh still don't understand how and why Junpei had two women who wanted to be with him. But I digress. Actually no, this whole review is going to be a digression. First ep we see Junpei fucking some other woman and they talking about "I wish I had married you" and love and blah blah blah. Which makes it decidedly not an "I fucked up and my dick slipped" situation. Not that the latter is better bc they're both shit. Idk if it's better if someone "slips up" because of a lack of control, or a strong love towards someone else. Jury's still out. But Junpei whispered sweet-apparently-nothings into this woman's ear for a YEAR, and dead acted like nothing was going on at home. And then had Rina assed out in front of his wife and her husband talking about "I didn't say all that" like suuure want receipts? So ultimately everything was his damn fault. Anyway. My girl Azu, blessherheart, was completely blindsided when Rina's (very attractive though also very abusive but very attractive and why would you want Junpei over him but yeah he's abusive so I get it but if he wasn't then...) husband showed up with a beat-up Junpei talking 'bout "he's fucking my wife, what are we going to do?". And poor Nanaka! The children in both marriages suffered the most bc they really were just innocent bystanders who got caught up in the bull and will probably have some trauma because of it. Like Nanaka was such a happy spirit but got depressed when she lost all her friends! My heart really went out to her.

Anyway anyway. So my girl Azu did the right thing at first--had Junpei's ass sleeping in the car and everything, which I loved, and was determined to divorce him. But then she got tricked into (almost) sleeping with a Japanese Micheal Cera (simultaneously old- and young-looking somehow) by a client-like gurl. I was proud that she stopped it (and he didn't continue without consent) but like, her sister and best friend's response was like "how could you (almost) fuck a stranger" and I'm sitting here like "she was drunk? he was blackmailed into this? she thought she knew him at least a little? and she realized she didn't want to and didn't actually have sex with him? and where was this energy when they found out about Junpei??". And then the best friend proceeded to give shit advice, talking about "don't tell Junpei, it'll ruin his ego" when realistically, she shoulda just told him the minute she decided she wanted to be with him still (which I'll discuss later) bc they were split up at the time, and he did (arguably, though maybe not, still depends on the person's pov) worse. But no, he found out through the mistress (of course!) and thus put Azu in purgatory. Her flip in the decision to be with him again was because he had always been there...which I get (prob bc of my scorpio sun) but ughhh I wish she hadn't welcomed him back so easily. Like yeah, say you still want to be with him, sure, but make him sweat at least a little more? Make him beg? act different? idk. She made him feel too comfortable too quick, which made him feel more entitled to being upset about her and JMichael Cera talking about "I know I shouldn't be mad, kedo..." and making my girl Azu sad, which leads me to...

THE MISTRESS. with her baby voice. wtf. And Junpei couldn't keep his dick in his pants even after all the shit. I mean, they didn't fuck but dude was acting sus again around her, which was just more fodder for her in the end. (His only other female co-worker watching and knowing everything was me the whole time. Like, you dumb, dumb man). He was waaay too nice after all the shit, letting her into his dorm and letting her do him favors so he felt guilty and letting her try to talk him into leaving his wife. I was sooo mad that after all the mess, Junpei still didn't grow any balls to say to her, point-blank, "I'm not leaving my wife, please leave" until way too late for me. And she really, and i mean REALLY, went out of her way to get Azu to cheat and molded him like putty. I had no faith in Junpei. Throughout the whole thing. Dude is spineless. And...so was Wataru, but in the macho-man kind of way. Controlling to hide his insecurities. Violent for no reason (did we need the r. scene? fuck) But in the end, he was the one that caved the least when it came to the cheating, trying to figure out what happened, and taking concrete steps rather than the wishy-washy moves Azu and Junpei were making. And then he grew as a father after kicking Rina out, because then he spent time with the kids (after his mom said she had a life lol) and they ultimately chose him in Tokyo which was super interesting and redeeming...wait wait wait but he was still very abusive and there is no excuse for that. I really had to stop myself--whenever he wasn't yelling at grown ass adults and breaking shit--from thinking that he was a good person. The struggle. But this man really said everyone's dumb, and I low-key agree. I could understand him the most (though it doesn't excuse anything, ik ik). But I would've changed the locks too.

We gotta talk about the best friend too. I watched on viki with the comments, so throughout the show people were like "oh they should be together" and shit, which had me kinda tight because I really appreciate when shows allow for platonic friendship between a cishet- man and woman? Esp without one professing their ever-present love to the other. Dude gave shit advice but ultimately was the only one thinking straight and suspecting Rina was behind it all. And then actually doing the groundwork to prove it. And he sent her new clients when the news of the affair broke and everything. And and he had Nanaka's approval. Honestly there wasn't anything to dislike (except the shit advice...).

The ending tho, was the kicker. Homegirl put on a whole play for the company and really sought to end his life. I expected something, bc how could someone as obsessed as she was just back off? (and he deserved it bc Junpei didn't sacrifice enough for me, got around everyone knowing about his affair but had his wife's business out on the street, didn't have to lose his job like he was supposed to, etc...) but I didn't expect a performance. The flair. A1.

This show didn't necessarily have me gasping (except for that scene)--more like "wow I saw that coming but wow they really did that". Good stuff. And I learned that in Japan if a spouse cheats or otherwise does something that's cause for divorce, they have to pay a compensation fee! Wild.

If you made it to the end of this rant, I appreciate you ;

[timoothy]

Another Tedgens fic

Show Stoppin Number never happens here, it’s just the characters living in the fortress during the apocalypse. It starts after Bill and Paul leave to get Alice. The Professor never turns bad and instead kind of comes together with Ted (because this is a Tedgens fic duh). Also Bill and Alice survive (just because I want them to. It doesn’t have anything to do with the plot, but they deserve it). I put in Hidgens original backstory (the infectious disease researcher thing), and Ted has a booze problem because he’s been rejected a lot, so it‘s gonna be a little angsty I guess.

TW: Ted is an alcoholic and verbal abuse is mentioned. And lots of f-bombs again, sorry

Words: around 9500 (I didn’t plan this, it just happened, sorry)

“Oh..hi.” The professor turns around to see Ted in the doorstep of the kitchen, leaning against the wooden door frame. Paul and Bill have been gone for over an hour now and Emma gets increasingly more nervous, just sitting in the living room and staring at the wall. “Hello Ted.“ “What are you doing?“ “I‘m making coffee. Do you want one as well?“ “Nah, sticking to booze.” He‘s not that much of a coffee fan anyway. “Don‘t you think you‘ve had enough of that?“ “The world is ending, we’ll die anyway. Calm down.” Some time passes, while the Professor keeps pushing different buttons. Ted just kind of keeps staring at him, because he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s bored and while he’s actually been exploring the house till now, he doesn’t want to keep going. Lots of panic rooms, is all he’s going to say. “So.. you’re not in the lab?” “No.“ “Man, you don’t need Emma, do you?” Hidgens hesitates. “You don’t believe they will make it. And they won’t, it’s fucking obvious. You wanted to protect her, that’s alright.” “There’s still a chance-“ “Ugh, come on! We both know that there’s not. They are dead by now.” “Emma won’t give up, so I won’t do that either.” Ted breaks away from the door frame now and moves over to the Professor, leaning against the kitchen counter right next to him instead. “What is your actual name? Like your first name?” “Henry.” “Why is no one calling you that?” “No one has used that name in relation to me since.. that doesn‘t matter.” “Why?” “I don’t know, good God”, he mumbles, seemingly annoyed now. “Well can I?” Henry hesitates before he shakes his head. “No.” “Cool..Professor’s great too I guess. Just fucking long, but I’ll deal with it.” Silence begins to settle over the room. “So”, Ted starts again, eager to keep the conversation going, “like..why are you here?“ “I live here, Ted.“ “Yeah, you do.” He‘s too drunk for this. “Hey.” It’s Emma, appearing in the door frame now. “Emma! There you go.” Henry hands her a cup of coffee, before he reaches for his own cup. “I’ll be in the lab.” And with that, he’s gone. Emma leans out of the door and waits for him to really disappear in another door, before she focuses on Ted just to say: “What the actual fuck?” “What?” “Leave him alone.” “Calm down, barista! I was just talking to him”, Ted tries to defend himself. “No! No, you were flirting. Stop trying to get into his pants!” “Ugh, I wasn’t!” He was. Mostly because he’s bored, but also because Henry actually is hot. Just the way he moves around the room with such elegance and ease has aroused Teds interest. And Ted‘s drunk. He‘s so drunk, he‘s fucking smashed. “Don’t fucking lie to me. Promise you’ll leave him alone.” “Why do you care so much, Perkins?” “He..He’s Professor Hidgens! He‘s great and way too nice and he has the biggest heart, so don‘t you dare use him because you‘re fucking horny and smashed as fuck.“ “You really have the lowest opinion of me.“ “It‘s just..he‘s been through a lot alright? And he’s been living pretty isolated lately so if you’re actually gonna keep flirting, he’ll probably be into it. I just want you to think about whatever you’re doing, before you do something alright? So fucking sober up first. Leave him alone, if you just wanna fuck. Treat him the way he deserves to be treated, if you actually like him. If you don’t, I’ll fucking kill you.” “Woah! ..alright. Jesus!” That’s when the doorbell rings and Emma literally sprints to the door, meeting the Professor who did the same thing. Ted just kind of follows, not hurrying at all though, in case it’s aliens. “Who is it?”, the Professor suspiciously asks. “It’s Bill, Alice and me. We’re back.” It’s Paul's voice. “Thank god”, Emma mumbles, impatiently waiting until the Professor told Alexa to open the gates. Just a few seconds later, the three of them come in. Emma wants to run to Paul but the Professor holds her back, cocking his gun. “Sing the beginning of Moana!” “Professor! Not again!”, Emma whines. “Yes, again! Think about what would happen if we let those creatures in here again. The last time was a close-run!” The three new arrivals manage to stutter a few Moana quotes, but all in one they completely fail again, to everybody's relief. Hidgens lowers the gun and Emma runs to Paul. They embrace for way too long. Then there's Bill and Alice and Bill just kind of pulls Alice in a hug now. Her eyes are red and swollen, she obviously cried earlier. “Is everybody alright?”, the Professor asks around, after he made Alexa close the gates again. “Yeah”, Bill buries his nose in Alice hair, closing his eyes for a moment, holding her like she’s all he’s got, which, to be honest, is true. And then there’s Ted, just kind of awkwardly standing in the entrance hall with no one to embrace. He pauses for a few seconds, then he just turns around and goes back into the kitchen, mostly because he wants to be alone. - Ted does think about what Emma said, he thinks about it a lot throughout the next few days. And to be honest, that’s the reason he mostly spends time by himself, drinking a lot, drinking too much probably. But what else is he supposed to do? Emma, Paul, Bill and Alice keep having fun in a group of four, playing scrabble and shit, mostly to distract Alice from the fact, that her girlfriend died. They don’t ask Ted to join and he doesn’t ask them either, because to be honest, he really does not want to spend time with them. He barely sees Henry around the house, so he figured he’s probably in his lab, doing science stuff. Ted didn’t mind being alone in the beginning, but after three to four days, it does get pretty boring. He‘s lonely too, but he would never admit that. So he starts wandering around again until he finally ends up in the lab, registering Henry as soon as he entered. He’s sitting on a stool, completely focused on something, which is why he doesn’t react to Ted entering the lab. Ted just kind of stands there for a while, staring at Henry while he does whatever it is, he’s doing. Now he sighs. “What is it, Ted?” Ted flinches, because he didn’t think Hidgens noticed him at all. “Nothing..nothing. Just snooping around, you know?” “I really do not.” “What are you doing?” “I am trying to find a cure. This alien disease is a genetic reconstruction, but I‘ve been thinking that there might still be a little bit of individuality in every single one of these creatures. Therefore, I might be able to convert it again.” “A cure? You can do that?” “I just told you, Ted. I‘m trying.” “I see.” He steps closer, looking over Henrys shoulder now. “Ted.” “Mh?” “You’re completely distracting me.” “Because I’m so hot?” “No! ..because you are drunk and I can smell it.“ “Wow. Thanks for that.“ Henry gets up now and takes Teds arm. He pulls him back a few steps, before he reaches for some tape and tapes a barrier between two tables. “That is the closest you’re allowed to get, understood?” Ted raises his arms and shrugs. “Alright. Sorry.” Henry goes back to his stool and leaves Ted standing behind the taped barrier. “So when you find a cure-“ “If.” “If you find a cure.. you could still only save those who weren’t like actually killed, right?” “If you ask because of that Charlotte, she’s definitely dead.” “I didn’t.” He did. “She must have meant a lot to you, I’m sorry that I have had to shoot her. But even if I didn’t, Sam removed her guts. She would not have survived if it wasn’t for the apotheosis.” There’s some silence for a few seconds, then Ted says: “I didn’t like her like that. She didn’t mean a lot to me.” “I’m sorry then. But you seemed grief-stricken and miserable after I shot her.” “I wasn’t.” He was. Not because he loved her, but because he felt guilty. He‘s the one who left her alone with Sam anyway. Just because she hurt his feelings. “Okay.” “She loved Sam. He was her husband. We just screwed around, that’s all.” “You did like her.” “No.” “Yes.” “I mean, she was alright, but it’s not like I fucking loved her or shit like that. I don’t do that.” “Don’t do that?” “I don’t love people.” “That is not something, people choose to do.” “I do.” “Alright then.” Henry focuses on his work again and that’s when Emma steps in. “Hey Professor.. and Ted.” “Emma, hey.” She ducks under the tape. “You’re not allowed to do that”, Ted quickly says. “Yes I am.” “No one is, except for Henry.” Emma turns around to him for a moment and raises her eyebrows, after he said the name. “Actually”, Henry says now, “Everybody is, except for you. And please don’t call me Henry.” Ted just stares at him for a moment, with his jaw dropped. “Alright.“ He slowly catches himself again. “But that was fucking mean.“ “I’m sorry Ted. What is it Emma?” “Do you have like a first aid kit or something? Bill accidentally cut his finger and we can’t find one.” “Yes, I do. Hold on, I’ll get it.” He gets up and leaves the lab. Emma follows him, but pauses next to Ted for a second. „Henry? So you‘re fighting for first name base now?“ „Looks like it.“ „Good luck, I guess. No one calls him that.“ „I will.“ “Yeah, sure.” With that she follows the professor. - Ted keeps visiting Henry in his lab over the next few days and they actually do talk a lot, with Henry engaging more an more. Ted also catches himself crushing on Henry, more than he thought and more than he can handle. Mostly because Henry doesn’t seem extremely annoyed by everything he does. He actually talks to him in a normal way, even when Ted says something wrong. He laughs about it, when Ted jokes around too. And let’s be honest, he’s so fucking hot. Ted tries flirting again, but he’s miserable at that, especially when he’s drunk. And Henry barely engages in it, which is why Ted stops after two or three days. He doesn’t want to bother Henry, who’s obviously not interested. It bothers Ted, it really does, but he accepts it, because he can’t force Henry to like him, right? It especially bothers him, that Emma was wrong about Henry having lived isolated and therefore being into it, if Ted keeps flirting. It gave Ted hope, but apparently Henry’s really not into it at all. So being his friend is alright too, Ted figured. He’s never really had a close friend. Charlotte was probably the closest. He thought of Paul as a friend, but Paul mostly seems rather bothered by all of his actions (not unlike everybody else). It’s not Teds fucking fault that he never really thinks before he opens his mouth. So he spends most of his time in the lab with Henry, whom he does have a crush on (which he perfectly hides) and tries to become his friend, even if Henry keeps asking Ted about himself. Ted’s never really been asked about himself and he really doesn’t want to. There’s so much he doesn’t want to talk about. And now Henry just keeps asking. “Are you drunk again?” “No? No.” “Don’t lie to me Ted.” “I guess.” Henry looks up, eyeing Ted skeptically. “Are you alright?” “Yeah, sure. Just bored.” Henry raises his eyebrow, before turning away from Ted and focusing on his work again. For some reason, Henry’s just always working, always there, always in the lab. Ted also noticed that he looks tired. More and more tired as the days pass and he can’t help but wonder, when was the last time Henry actually slept? Because he never seems to go to sleep. And every time Ted asks him about it, Henry just shrugs and tells him, he’s not tired at all. Obviously, both of them carry emotional baggage, neither of them wants or dares to talk about. - “You alright?”, Ted asks again, the next time, he’s at the lab with Henry. Henry looks particularly worn out that day and he barely spoke, only nodding at whatever Ted said. Sometimes Ted’s even gotten a monosyllabic answer, but that’s not the standard today. “Absolutely”, Henry mumbles. “When was the last time you slept? You look like shit.” “You really are empathetic, aren‘t you?“ He sounds so pissed. “I‘m sorry. But you look so fucking tired today. That doesn‘t look healthy anymore, seriously.“ “Just leave. Can‘t you see that you bother me with your presence?“ “I’m worried about you alright? You’re always in here, I never see you eat and I never see you sleep.” “And I never see you sober.” “Well, I’m fucking sorry I asked!” “Just leave please.” “No.” Henry looks up, for the first time now. “I am serious, Ted. Leave.” “No, I’m not gonna fucking leave.” Suddenly he remembers what Emma said to him in the kitchen, a few days ago. He’s been through a lot. Like what the fuck has he been through? It must have been hard, because he’s obviously not alright. Henry has turned away again. He tears his hair now and pinches his eyes. “There’s something I’m not seeing. I’m too stupid, Leighton would have known”, he quietly mumbles. “Who the fuck is Leighton now?” “I told you to leave.” Ted ignores Henrys answer and tears the tape barrier down instead, to go through. “Stop right there Ted.” Henry gets up and Ted comes to a stop, staring at Henry now, while he furiously crumbles up the paper he wrote on and ditches it into the trash can. “Henry-“ Ted watches nervously as Henry keeps going, keeps destroying everything he worked on in the last few days.   “Henry stop. I’m serious”, he says now, while Henry wipes off everything he wrote on the whiteboard, starting completely anew. “Henry!“ He finally comes to a stop, turning around to Ted. “Don’t call me that.” “I’m sorry.” “I won‘t ever be able to do it.” “It’s okay.” “It is not. I won‘t save one person. I have miserably failed again. I let them die.” “Jesus, calm down man. Is this still about the apocalypse?” “It is not, of course!” Absolute devastation shows in his face now. His eyes are watery and while he stares at Ted like that, the bags under his eyes seem darker than ever. “It’s not”, he mumbles again, before he attacks his scientific equipment, breaking beakers and flasks now, by throwing them either on the floor or against the wall. “Woah, shit“, Ted mumbles, before he rushes to Henry to pull him away from the glassware. He manages to hold his arms down, by pulling him into a weird sideways hug. “Stop!”, he just whispers, pulling him even closer, because god, Henry’s strong and Ted lost control over his strength, because he’s drunk and therefore Henry’s almost able to break out of the hug, reaching for another flask now. Ted quickly takes it from him. “It’s alright! You don’t have to do anything if you can’t or.. don’t want to. You don’t owe this to anyone. Fucking calm down now.” That’s when Henry stops resisting and starts sobbing instead. He slowly lets himself sink into the hug now, suddenly appearing so small, even though he’s actually taller than Ted. Ted softly starts stroking his back and the back of his head, trying to make him calm down a little. He also places a soft kiss on Henrys head, regretting it as soon as his lips hit Henrys hair, because what the fuck was that supposed to be? Henry breaks away from the hug and takes a few steps back, stumbling a little, which is why Ted dives forward to grab his arm, so he doesn‘t fall. “Seriously man, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I think you have a burnout”, he says, trying to ignore that his instincts just made him awkwardly kiss Henrys hair. Henry wipes the tears from his cheeks and turns away. “I do not. I’m fine.” “When was the last time you slept?“ “I don’t know. Stop asking so many questions.” Henry frees his arm from Teds grip, by energetically pulling it back now. Then he starts massaging his temples, like he has a headache. “Can you leave?” “Do you have a headache?“ “No, just leave.” “Why?” “I’ll leave then.” “You’re such a dramatic bitch, you know that?” There’s not even a reason for that. Teds so used to being mean as a defense mechanism, that he only ever realizes he was, after he already said something. But he can’t take it back now. He doesn’t apologize either. He’s way too proud to admit that it was wrong and it’s embarrassing too. Henry sighs and leaves the lab now, leaving Ted alone. Ted stands there for a while. He feels the lump in his throat, he knows that, for some reason, he’s about to cry. Suddenly, he feels lonelier than ever. He feels more rejected than ever, even though it’s his fault. It always is. Apparently it also was, when his parents kicked him out at seventeen, after verbally abusing him for years. He does know what rejection feels like. Maybe that’s why he’s got all those emotional walls build up higher than the empire state building. He hasn’t cried in years, but now his vision rapidly becomes more and more blurry as the tears gather in his eyes. He‘s sad and angry and completely disgruntled. And when he realizes that he still holds the flask, he took from Henry, he just smashes it against the wall, as the anger and the booze take over his mind. Then he starts crying, because he can‘t hold it back anymore. And consequently he just stands there, sobbing and crying and staring at the pieces of broken glass, he and Henry left on the floor. “Oh.” He flinches and quickly turns around, realizing Alice came in. “I was just..”, she hesitates, “just exploring the house.” He never really talked to her. He just saw her a few times, when she picked up Bill from work. And of course, they ran into each other in the last few days, but Ted doesn’t trust her enough that he’s okay with her seeing him cry. He’s not okay with anybody seeing that, to be honest. “Are you okay?” Ted nods. He quickly wipes the tears from his face and forces a smile. “Nah, you’re not. It’s Ted, right?” “Yeah. Can you just leave me alone? And.. fucking forget about it, too?” She hesitates but she nods ultimately, before mumbling a quiet “Sorry” and leaving the lab. - The next day, Ted goes back to the lab. He planned to apologize, even though he’s probably not gonna have the guts to actually do it. He delayed it as long as possible, which is why it’s late in the afternoon by now. But Ted really couldn‘t bear loosing Henry now. He‘s the only friend he has, if they actually are friends and it‘s not just Ted’s wishful thinking. When he enters the lab, he sees Henry sleeping, with his head resting on the table. Ted hesitates for a moment and thinks about coming back later. But that position does look so fucking uncomfortable and Ted can’t bear leaving Henry like that. He quietly taps over to him and touches his shoulder, carefully shaking it too, when Henry doesn’t react. He quietly groans and mumbles something, before he pushes himself up and opens his eyes. He looks sleepy, which is cute, but he also still looks tired as shit. “Ted?” “Yeah. You should go to sleep. Like in a bed, you know?” “No, I’m good.” “Jesus, Henry! Come on.” He pulls him up and carefully proceeds to pull him out of the lab now. “You‘re going to sleep and eat and you‘re not allowed to step through the tape barrier anymore.“ “Ted this is my lab.“ “I don‘t care.“ Ted kind of just pulls Henry through the house, to his bedroom, pushing him on the bed, as soon as they‘re in there. “Woah“, Henry mumbles. “What?“ “That push was kind of sexual.” “Jesus, Henry! I didn’t mean to.” Henry just kind of sits there, while Ted stands there, trying to find the guts to actually apologize. Henry goes first, right before Ted was about to open his mouth (he really was). “I’m sorry Ted.” “Don’t be.” “No, I really am.“ “It‘s alright.” “I should not have been so vicious to you. You were only trying to help.” “I was, but I mean, I wasn’t right either. I should have respected your request, your boundaries, you know? And you were right..about me being drunk a lot. I am.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “I really don’t.” Because deep down, Ted believes that Henry doesn’t actually want to know. He believes that Henry just asked because it‘s polite and he‘s polite. He‘s so polite and nice and.. good. He‘s a good person. Ted doesn‘t believe that he can say the same thing about himself. He‘s an asshole, a fucking creep (Emma called him that one and she was right) and he’s always saying the wrong things, using the wrong words. “I’m sorry for how I behaved. And for what I called you”, he finally blurts out. “It’s alright. I would have considered it funny, if it wasn’t for me being angry.” “You think me calling you a bitch was funny?” “Yes.” Ted smiles now. “Well, you’re welcome then.” “But don’t call met that again.” “I won’t. I actually respect you a lot you know. I was just.. mad I guess. And it was the first thing that came to my mind.” “It’s alright.” Everything is said now, but for Ted it still feels wrong to just leave. Henry’s sitting there, looking anywhere but at Ted, suddenly deep in thought and looking like a picture of misery again. “Are you hungry?”, Ted gets himself to ask. “Not at all.” “Alright.” After a few more seconds of hesitation, Ted decides to sit next to Henry, careful to keep a little distance between the two of them. He’s afraid to get too close and scare him off again, like he did when he kissed his head. He does not want to be pushed away again, once hurt enough. Also, he wants to give Henry space and respect his boundaries. But Henry doesn‘t seem bothered by it now. Because after sitting in silence for a few seconds, he actually starts talking. “Ted, did you know that I was an infectious disease researcher in my earlier years?” “No. You were?” “Yes. We were a team of seven. They were my friends.” “What happened?” “They got infected. I had to quarantine them in the lab and then I tried to find a cure.” “But you didn’t.” Ted looks up, afraid that he’s right. “You are right, I did not. I let them die. One after another until all of them were gone.” “But..but that’s not your fault though.” “It is, Ted.” Ted keeps quiet, thinking for a moment, before mumbling a confused “No?”. He seeks Henrys gaze, before he continues. “No, how much time did you have? Like a few fucking days? That’s impossible.” “It is. But still.” “Alright.” Ted reaches for Henrys hand. “You have to let this go. It’s not your fault. At least you tried to find a cure. It’s not like you are the one who infected them and they were not your responsibility. They were responsible for themselves and they knew the risk, right?” Henry just stares at Teds hand, touching his, and Ted quickly lets go of it, pulling his hand back. “They did, but they were my friends. I should have.. I should have saved them. I just gave up at some point”, he slowly continues, still staring at his hand, which now lays on his lab alone, lonely too maybe. “It’s still not your fault. Jesus, Henry! ..I mean Professor. Sorry.” Henry sniffles now and Ted figures he’s about to cry. He wants to hug him, but he doesn’t dare. So he just sits there, next to Henry but all by himself. Then Henry slowly moves over to him and leans his head against Teds shoulder, low-key reaching for his hand again and interlocking their fingers. He seems nervous and uncertain while doing it, which is why Ted hesitates, before giving in and leaning against Henry, gently squeezing his hand too. Henry slowly seems to relax now as he fully leans into Ted. “Henry’s fine”, Henry mumbles. “What?” “You can call me Henry. I hereby give you my permission.” “Oh..okay. I will then.” Teds heart is beating so damn fast. Faster than a cheetah can run and louder than gunfire probably. “There is a risk of it all happening again. That’s why I want to find a cure. What if one of you gets infected? Especially Emma or..or you.” “Me?” “Yes, Ted.” “Like.. you care about me?” His heart makes a little salto now, just thinking about it. Maybe Henry does like him a little. There‘s still a chance, right? “Of course I care about you.“ “As much as you care about Emma? She did bring you grocerys once.“ Henry chuckles now. “Ted, Emma is like a daughter to me.“ “So that‘s a no then?“ “No, I.. I don’t know.“ He looks up now, his eyes meeting Teds. And he‘s automatically so close, that Ted forgets to breath for a second there. They just stare at each other, then Ted leans closer. As if by reflex, not because he planned to. Henry shies away and stares at Ted afterwards, with big eyes. Not exactly shocked but certainly surprised. “Oh“, he mumbles. “Sorry“, Ted whispers, quickly turning away and pulling his hand out of Henrys. “Are you drunk?” “No.” It’s the truth. He‘s really not. “Did you.. did you want to..?” “I gotta go.” Ted gets up as quick as possible and goes for the door. Mostly because he feels like crying again and he really does not want to do that in front of Henry. “Wait.” “Just go to sleep, alright?” And with that he carefully closes the door. - It doesn’t take long, before he gets back to the booze. Just about an hour. Every bit of care he had for himself or his body is gone now. It’s late and everybody’s already asleep and Ted is totally plundering the bar. It’s not because Henry rejected him, not on the main anyway. If Henry’s not into him, that’s alright. Ted’s not that desperate, he’ll get over it. And he‘s not even sure what his feelings towards Henry are exactly. He hasn‘t figured it all out yet, so maybe there‘s still the possibility of withdrawing them. The feeling of those weird-ass feelings being left unrequited did hurt a little, that‘s for sure. He likes Henry so much. And he craves the nearness of someone, probably anyone really, but especially Henry. But someone as good and smart as Henry must probably have enough common sense to not like Ted, that‘s for sure. And he‘s okay with it. He’s not mad at Henry or anything, it’s not like it’s his fault. It’s just now, that it’s literally the end of the world, he realized that he doesn’t have anyone. He has lived more than half of his life without any contact to his parents and to be honest, it was still the better part. But now that Charlotte’s gone, he doesn’t even have anyone to screw around with anymore. That was the closest thing he had to intimacy and he lost that too. He really liked her. It wasn’t love, but maybe he could have made it work, if it wasn’t for that fucking scumbag Sam. She did deserve better. Better than Sam, but also better that Ted, if he’s being honest. Ted’s always been coping with alcohol and that’s what he’s doing now too. It’s the apocalypse anyway. They’ll die soon, so why the hell would he still be be committed to care for his health? He never really did, but still. - Ted stays up the whole night, sitting on the floor by the bar, staring at the wall, holding a bottle of booze. He dozes off every now and then, but he always wakes up again, about half an hour later. He‘s still there, after the sun has risen again. He‘s not sure how o‘clock it is, he completely lost his concept of time. “Ted?” It’s fucking Emma Perkins. He’s really not in the mood for another threat. He won’t get close to Henry anyway. Like ever. “Fuck off”, he mumbles. “Are you okay?” “Yeah.” “Ted, seriously. How much did you drink?” “Dunno, man.” “Alice?”, she calls out now, leaning into the corridor. “Yeah?” “Can you get the Professor?” “Sure.” “I’m fucking fine.” Ted tries to get up now, but his vision only gets more blurred, which is why he gives up almost immediately. Emma comes over to him and kneels in front of him. “Hey Ted?” “Mh?” “Fucking look at me, please.” “Why?” He looks up now, locking his eyes with hers for as long as he can bear it. Then he looks over to the door, registering Henry in the frame. “What is it, Emma?” “He’s fucking smashed. Like more than in general, I think.” Henry comes over to them, sitting next to Ted now. “I said I’m fine”, Ted repeats. “He couldn’t even get up”, Emma notes. “Can you get water? And bread?”, Henry asks. “Yeah.” She gets up and disappears. “Hey Ted.” “Hi.” “You’ve had enough, come on.” He reaches for the bottle and places it out of Teds reach. Ted’s too weak to stop him, too weak to care too. “Why the fuck do you care?”, Ted just mumbles, “or are you just afraid that I’m gonna throw up on your floor?” “Don’t be that way now.“ “Sorry for asking. No one ever fucking cared, s’all.” Ted tries to get up again now and he actually manages to do it. Really slowly though and he has to hold onto the bar not to fall, but it‘s alright if he ignores the headache and the fact that everything is blurry as fuck. “Ted, I..“ Henry got up to and tries to sustain Ted, by grabbing his arm and placing his other hand on Teds waist. “This is fine, I’m fine”, Ted mumbles, while he tumbles back and squeezes his eyes in order to gain a clear and sharp vision. „Do you want to talk about it?“ „About what?” “About your drinking problem, which clearly has its root in an experience from your past.” “Jesus Doc.” “It’s alright, I’ll listen to everything you want to talk about.” “Why would you want to hear that when I don’t even want to think it?” Ted gets louder now and more upset. “I can tell you, you know! I can tell you about how.. how my fucking parents kicked me out when I was seventeen. About feeling like a fucking loner all the time! Oh poor fucking Ted, get a hold of yourself!“ He‘s angry now and too drunk to care that he actually told someone. Henry just looks at him for a moment, sympathetically. “Why did they kick you out?” “‘Cause I’m.. fucking bi. They didn’t want that shit in their house. I mean they never wanted me anyway. It was a mistake.” “What was?” “I was. You know, my birth. I guess the fucking condom broke or something. I wish it didn’t.” “You are not a mistake.” “Well thanks, I guess, but I’m a sleazeball and that’s just.. that’s it.” “Oh Ted.“ “Told you I’m fine.” “You are not but that’s alright.” Ted hesitates, looking up now. “I’m.. I’m just..” He stares at Henry while he focuses on not crying. He blinks a lot and squints his eyes, quietly sniffling too. Then the first tear makes its way out of Teds eye, running over his skin and he just gives up. “Good God”, Henry mumbles, as Teds whole body begins to shake under the weight of his heavy sobs. Henry moves closer to Ted and pulls him in a hug. Ted lets himself fall against Henrys chest. He places his head against Henrys shoulder, sobbing now. His tears begin to soak through Henrys black turtleneck, but Henry doesn‘t seem to care. He simply pulls Ted even closer, slowly stroking his back now. “I care about you, Ted. Alright?”, he whispers, after quite some time. “Come on. I annoy you and that’s it.” “No you don’t.” “I do. I annoy everybody. It’s alright, I’m annoying as fuck. I annoy myself sometimes.” “You don’t bother me in any way, I enjoy every minute I spend with you. I just.. I am not good at showing this kind of admiration. And you make me feel confused.” Ted hesitantly looks up. „How the hell do I confuse you?” Henry places his hands against Teds temples now and gently tries to dry Teds cheeks with his thumbs. “I don’t know, Ted. I get nervous and clumsy when you are near me. And I can’t be that way in the lab.” “Oh.” That’s when Emma comes back. “Alright, I’ve got bread and-“ She hesitates, when she sees how close they are. Henry breaks his gaze from Teds, lets go of his face and looks at Emma. “Thank you Emma.” She puts it down on the surface of the bar, mumbling a quiet “There you go”, before she quickly leaves the room, uncertainly eyeing Ted, who’s still gazing at Henry. “I’m so into you”, he mumbles now. “What?” “I’m into you. Did you know that?” “Yes..no.. I mean yes I did, but only since you tried to kiss me yesterday.” Henry blushed while saying that and it‘s certainly the cutest thing Ted has ever seen. “But I.. I tried to flirt”, Ted notes. “I believed you did that because you were drunk.” “You’re an idiot. I wasn’t that drunk.” “You are drunk right now.” “But I’m of sound mind, seriously.” “I wouldn’t dare to hope that you actually like me. I‘m too old.” “But I like you. It’s just ten years.” “I‘m afraid it’s a little more than that.” “I don’t care either way.” Ted leans closer, to finally kiss Henry but Henry carefully pushes him back. “I’m sorry Ted, but you are too drunk for that.” “Don’t worry, you’ve got my consent. I want to kiss you so bad.” Henry slightly smiles now, blushing even more. “No, I’m sorry. ..and I’m sorry for yesterday.” “For what now?” “When I shied away. But I have to say, I didn’t expect it by any means.” “It’s alright, we can kiss now.” “Ted, no.. come on.” He reaches for the glass of water, Emma brought and gives it to Ted. “Drink up. At once.” “I can’t drink that quick.” “You surely can with booze.” “But not with water.” “Then drink it slowly, good God.” He waits, while Ted slowly slurps the water. “Alright”, Ted finally says, after a few sips. “You didn’t even drink half of it.” “I did!” Henry chuckles now. “No”, he contradicts before taking the water from him and holding the bread basket in front of him instead.   “You’re not gonna make me eat all of that, are you?” “Just one.” “Don’t force me.” “Ted, come on. Please.“ Ted pouts, but he reaches for a slice and takes a bite. “Are you happy now?” “That was one bite.” “Alright. Jesus, you’re bossy.” Ted somehow manages to eat the whole thing, emptying the glass too. “Do you feel better now?”, Henry asks afterwards. “Nah, I feel like I’m gonna throw up.” “Please don’t.” “I can’t control that. ..But I think I won’t.” “It is very likely the best, if you sleep it out.” “I’m not tired.” “Did you sleep at all tonight?” “A little.” “Right here on the floor?” “I guess.” “Come here.” Henry offers his hand, to keep Ted steady. Ted is still struggling to keep his balance. It was easier in the hug, when he could lean against Henry, but now that Henry let go of him, everything started to spin again. “Ted, are you alright?“ He slowly realizes, how much he clung to Henrys arm as he tried not to fall over. “Yeah.. a little dizzy.“ Henry places his arm around Teds waist and pulls him closer. He maneuvers Ted to one of the guest rooms, where he’s normally sleeping, when he’s not sleeping on the floor next to the bar. Ted stumbles a lot over his own feet but they eventually make it. Ted would probably never admit it to Henry, but he’s so fucking tired. And because of that, as soon as he sits on the mattress, he’s as good as gone. “Ted?” “Mh?” “Good Night.” Ted smiles. “It’s morning.” “Yes. Anyway.” “Are you gonna kiss me good night or nah?” He’s not sure where that courage came from, but it’s probably the booze. Henry chuckles and actually gets closer to place a quick kiss on Teds forehead. “Go to sleep now”, he whispers, before he disappears. - After he woke up it‘s six am. Ted‘s wide awake, but way too weak to actually get up, so he just spends about two hours laying there, thinking a lot. Thinking about Henry. Did whatever Henry told him yesterday mean he likes him? Like that he actually like-likes him? It sounded that way. But it‘s also possible that Ted dreamed all of that. It‘s too good, to actually be true, isn‘t it? Two hours after waking up, Ted spends another half hour trying to get himself to get up, despite the headache and the vertigo. He tumbles into the shower and stands under the steaming hot water for way too long, before he forces himself to stop. It‘s about nine am now and he can hear the others in the kitchen, but he hesitates to join them. Emma saw him cry, which is so fucking embarrassing and God knows what Henry thinks about him, now that he was so shamelessly honest. He probably just likes him as a friend. He cares about him in a friendly way. Ted was drunk and he probably over-interpreted everything Henry said. Ultimately, he decides to join them anyway, who cares if it‘s gonna be awkward? (He does, he cares so much, but he‘ll try to seem cool and relaxed.) When he enters the kitchen, Henry and Emma are doing the dishes. Of course Emma‘s there. She‘s always there. Alice is there too, just leaning against one of the counters, while talking to Emma. “Hey“, Ted mumbles, when no one reacts. Henry looks up and smiles. “Ted! How are you?“ “I feel like shit, to be honest.“ Not just physically too. “Do you want a coffee?” “No..no.” He nervously eyes Emma and Alice, who stopped talking to stare at him. He knew, it’d be awkward. He hesitantly steps closer to Henry, leaning against the kitchen counter next to him, leaning over to him to quietly say: “I.. can’t exactly recall everything, but, you know.. did I say what I think I said?” “You’ll have to be more precise.” “Jesus, Henry, you know what I mean.” “You mean, when you said you liked me?” “Exactly.” “And then you tried to kiss me.” “Jup.” “You don’t have to blush Ted.” “Well I didn’t fucking mean to.” Henry smiles now and finally looks up. “Alright, this is where we leave”, Emma notes loudly and Ted flinches, because he totally forgot about her and Alice. They leave and Henry continues. “I mean, don’t be embarrassed.” “But I am. It’s embarrassing.” “It’s not. Did you mean it?” Ted hesitates, looking anywhere but at Henry now. He thinks about lying, but where’s the point? “Or was it the alcohol speaking?”, Henry goes on asking. “It’s the truth”, Ted quietly admits, still not daring to look at Henry. “You do like me?” “Yeah.” “Good.. good.” “Why is that good?” “Why do you think?” “I don’t know?” “I like you as well.” “Oh?” “I like you Ted.” “Like.. in a romantic kinda way? Like a lover?” Henry smiles now while watching Ted, obviously amused. “Like a lover?” Ted feels dumb for asking. Of course not. Of course he doesn’t. “Yes. I suppose like a lover”, Henry continues, seemingly deep in thought now. Oh. Teds brain just stops working for a moment, he stares at Henry instead. Especially his lips. Fucking shit, his lips. They look so soft. He bets they are. “So you’re into me?”, he asks again, still too startled to actually believe his ears. ”I am.” “You are.” Henry moves closer to Ted now, his hand moving up to the collar of his shirt, nervously fiddling with the fabric. He gets so close, that Ted can feel his breath on his lips and he’s already loosing his mind, good God. “Henry?“, he still asks. Quietly. It’s more of a whisper. “Mh?“ “You sure?” Henry smiles now, avoiding Teds gaze, mostly because he’s indecently staring at his lips instead. “Yes.” They stare at each others lips for as long as they can bear it. Ted gives up first. He leans to Henry and pushes his lips onto Henrys soft ones. They really are as soft as they looked. Henrys hand moves up from Teds shirt collar, going for his hair instead and pulling him closer into a second kiss. Ted backs away a little, afterwards, and just stares at Henry for a few seconds. He’s overwhelmed by absolutely everything that’s going on inside his mind, not able to think one clear thought. “Holy shit, fuck“, he mumbles. “I rate that as a positive?” “You better fucking believe it.” He leans closer and they kiss again. This time, they keep going for quite a while, keep kissing. The kisses grow more and more passionate too, more heated. Teds hand goes for Henrys waist now and he gently pushes him against the kitchen counter, stepping closer. “I’ve been waiting so fucking long for this“, Ted mumbles now, against Henrys lips, “You could have dropped hints, you know.” “I know but I did not mean to like you. You said you don’t do love.” “Ugh, yeah, you’re right, I said that.” “Do you still mean it?” “I don’t think so. Shit, I really like you.” Henry smiles now and bites his lip, in a completely innocent way but it’s still hot. “Come here”, Ted mumbles, before pulling Henry closer. Henry does, pushing his lips against Teds again and running his fingers through Teds damp hair, completely messing it up. Ted leans closer to him, not yet (or maybe never) having enough of Henrys contiguity. His sanity is completely gone by now. He just lets Henry do whatever he’s doing to him, that makes him feel so jittery and warm and fuzzy. They stop, to breath, because apparently they both forgot. They are audibly breathing now, while still holding onto each other, with their eyes still closed, their foreheads touching. “Ted..“ Henry slowly removes his hands from Teds hair, carefully evening it too. “Huh?“ “Good God.” His hand runs down over Teds chest now, before he wraps his arms around Teds upper body. He simply kisses Ted again, while unobtrusively shoving his hand into the back pocket of Teds pants and pulling him closer. After that kiss, they just stand there, still embracing each other, with Ted resting his head on Henrys shoulder and Henry leaning his head against Teds. “Ted?” Ted smiles. “Yeah?” “You can always talk to me, you know that.” “So do you. To me, I mean, you can talk to me, not to yourself. You can also talk to yourself, but-“ “Yes, I understood. Thank you Ted.” “You’re welcome”, he mumbles, before looking up, “It’s your hand.” “What?” “You put your hand in my back pocket and now I’m not able to form a sentence anymore.” Henry chuckles, pulls it out and, just seconds later, completely breaks away from Ted. “You have my deepest apologies.” “No, I didn’t tell you to stop hugging me! Come back.” “Good God, you‘re despotic“, he mumbles as he pulls Ted closer again. “I‘m really not“, Ted contradicts. He lets his hand run up to Henrys temple now, before he leans closer and starts placing kisses on his cheek and jawline. “Ted?” It’s Bill. “Yeah.” He turns around to look at him, still pretty close to Henry, with Henrys arm still wrapped around Teds waist. “Oh”, Bill mumbles, obviously taken aback and overwhelmed. He frowns then. “Since when are you two..going steady?“ Ted turns to Henry and they stare at each other, quietly asking for an answer. Are they going steady? “Dad, leave them alone.” Alice appeared behind Bill and carefully reaches for his arm to pull him out of the kitchen. “They were totally making out in here.” “Alice!” Bill looks at Ted, apologetically but also surprised. Ted chuckles. “Come on”, Alice prompts again and Bill finally gives in, following her into the corridor. As soon as they’re gone, Ted turns back to Henry. “So..” He starts fumbling with Henrys hair, his arm resting on Henrys shoulder again. “So?” “Are we going steady? You know, are we dating?” “You ask that like you are afraid, I’ll say yes.” “No! Fuck, no! I.. I never really dated anyone, that’s all.” “And you don’t want to start?” “No, I want you. I want to date you so bad, Henry.” Henry chuckles now. “Alright then Ted.” “I’m so fucking nervous, that’s all. I’m sorry.” “Don’t be.” “Sorry or nervous?” “Both.” “I’ll try.” Henry smiles and Ted starts melting. Metaphorically of course. “You wanna kiss again?”, he asks. Henry nods. “Yeah.” - Dating Henry is even more great that Ted thought it would be. They cuddle a lot. Like a lot a lot. By now they are almost always touching in some way, holding hands or at least standing close enough for their shoulders to touch. Ted‘s not sleeping in his own bed anymore too, instead he‘s sleeping all cuddled up with Henry. And he would never admit it, not yet anyway, but he thinks he might be in love. It‘s only been a week, but every time Henry enters a room Ted‘s in, he gets all jittery and nervous. Henry went back to looking for a cure in the lab, but not after promising Ted to take it easy. Ted‘s about to visit him when Emma stops him from the living room. „Hey Ted?“ She steps into the corridor. He stops, but doesn‘t hurry to turn around to her. He‘s not sure how much everybody knows about Henry and him being a thing, but Emma must at least suspect it, because to be honest, they are not as sneaky as they think they are. “Where are you going?“ “Henry.“ That name earns a raised eyebrow from Emma. “It‘s Henry now?“ “Seems like it.“ “So you guys are together?” “Why do you care?” Ted goes full defense real quick. He’s always been that way. “I..was just asking.” “Listen Emma, fucking kill me if you want to but I actually like him.” “I’m not gonna fucking kill you. I wanted to apologize.” “What?” “I’m sorry for being so mean and everything. I had the lowest opinion of you and I was wrong. I have never seen Henry that happy, so..thanks for that.” “I’m not dating him to please you.” Her face lights up. “So you are dating?” “Yeah..yeah, we are.” “Cool.” “Cool?” “Yeah.” “I’ll go then.” “Alright.” - They’ve been together for about a month now. It’s late in the evening, everybody went to sleep but Henry never appeared, so Ted figured he’d look for him. When he enters the lab, Henry just sits there, doing nothing but staring at a flask filled with something. “You alright?” Henry flinches and halfway turns to Ted who came closer and now puts his arms around Henry from behind, resting his head on Henrys. “Yes.” “Sure?” “I think I was wrong about the reversibility of the apotheosis. Those reconstructions clearly are not reversible. I can see it now, clear as the day.” “I’m sorry.” Ted places a kiss on Henrys head. “You are not the one who crashed the meteor into the starlight theatre. It isn’t your fault.” “No, I know. It’s just..you wanted this so bad and I wanted it for you.” “You are sweet Ted.” “I want you to know that none of this is your fault. You tried and it’s not possible and that’s alright.” Henry keeps quiet. Ted breaks away from him a little to turn him around in his chair. “Say it.” “What do you want me to say?” “That it’s not your fault.” Henry smiles down-hearted. “Ted, don’t be that way now. I’m fine.” “Nuh-uh!” He leans forward and places a quick kiss on Henrys lips, pulling away afterwards. Henry follows to kiss him again, but Ted ducks away. “Only if you say it.” “Good God. It’s not my fault.” “There you go.” Henrys reaches for Teds head, pulling him closer, almost impatiently. They kiss again, for real this time. It grows more passionate, until there’s Teds hand, pulling on Henrys Turtleneck and finding a way underneath. He slowly pulls Henry up from the stool and gently pushes him against the desk instead. Henrys hand leaves Teds hair now, instead going for his tie and loosening it. He then proceeds to undo the first few buttons of Ted shirts, running his hand eagerly over his skin. Ted catches himself reaching for Henrys belt now, fiddling with the buckle. „Ted..“ Ted quickly backs away. „Sorry! Sorry.. too quick?“ Henry stares at him for a few seconds, lightly panting. „No, just.. bedroom“, he mumbles. Then he reaches for Teds wrist and pulls him out of the lab and to his bedroom. Ted just kind of follows him, stumbling a little but looking forward to wherever this is going. As soon as they‘re in there, Henry pushes Ted against the door and kisses him, while he blindly locks it. Then he goes for Teds belt. „Woah“, Ted mumbles. „Is that too quick?“ „Nah, I‘m so fucking into it. Just didn‘t expect it at all.“ „Sorry, it‘s been quite a while.“ Henry seems nervous now. „No no no, don‘t be sorry! It’s so hot.“ Henry laughs quietly, before he kisses Ted again, reaching for his belt again too. - They cuddle afterwards. Of course they do. Henrys head rests on Ted chest, Ted wrapped his arms around Henry and affectionately plays with his hair now. Ted can‘t safely and with complete security claim that he actually ‘made love’ before, but he’s pretty sure he did now. He‘d never say that though, because it sounds so fucking cheesy. Maybe it‘s just that cheesy. Falling in love and all of that shit. Ted‘s pretty sure he already fell by now. He stumbled for a while and tried to catch himself, tried to find his balance, but he didn‘t. And then he fell and he hit his head so hard that he has cheesy thoughts now.   He can feel the way Henrys breath hits his chest, the way Henrys hair is tickling on his skin and he absolutely adores it. “I’m in love with you“, he mumbles. Really quiet to be honest, because fear took a hold of him, after he opened his mouth. Fear, that Henry doesn’t want to hear that because he doesn’t feel the same. It’s quiet and Ted actually starts to hope that Henry didn’t hear it. But Henry did, he just needed time to process it. “You are?” “Uuhm..” Oh God. He fucked up, he fucked up so bad. Henry looks up now, looks at Ted with his gorgeous eyes. He’s lightly chewing on his lip, maybe to hide that it is trembling. Ted can see it tremble anyway.   “Sorry”, Ted quickly mumbles. “What is it?” “I’m sorry I said it.” “Don’t be.” “Are you gonna cry?” Henrys lip is still trembling and his eyes look kinda teary. “No.” “I’m sorry if I upset you. You know what? Just forget about it.” “No, don’t be sorry. I love you too.” “What?” Ted can hear his own heart pounding by now. “I said I love you too.” Henry leans closer to Ted now and kisses him. He then continues placing gentle kisses on Teds face, smiling now. “Sorry, I love you”, he says, “I love you Ted.” “Thank God”, Ted whispers. He’s relieved, he’s so fucking relieved. And it feels so good to hear it too. Nobody ever said that to him. He heard Charlotte saying it to Sam a lot, he remembers how he used to roll his eyes at those words. What a pitiful blathering. He catches Henry gazing at him, brightly smiling now. “I’m sorry. I haven’t heard that in a long time and I did not expect to hear it from anyone anymore, to be perfectly honest.” “Well I’ve never said it and let me tell you, that silence was terrifying.” Henry chuckles. “I’m sorry Ted.” “It’s alright.” “You really never said it?” “No.” “I assume you also never heard it then?” “No.” Henry pulls him closer now and places a gentle kiss onto his collarbone, before he settles on Teds chest again. “Now you did.” “Yeah it was great. You wanna say it again?” Henry laughs quietly, before he whispers another “I love you”. Ted smiles. “I love you too” And he means it. He’s never felt like that before. “Are we gonna use pet names now?” “No.” “Babe?” “Ted..” “Love?” Henry laughs. “Good God.” “So that’s a yes?” “No.” “Alright, Love it is.” Henry just gives up complaining and instead places kisses on Teds chest. Ted consequently places a kiss on Henrys forehead, Henry looks up and they kiss for real. “Good Night”, Henry finally mumbles against Teds lips. “Good Night.. Love.” Ted winks and Henry just kind of chuckles against Teds chest, not daring to object anymore. - Ted wakes up, when Henry tries to entangle himself from Teds arms. For some reason they ended up spooning over night. “Don’t”, Ted mumbles, still half asleep, before he pulls Henry back against his chest, holding him close. “Ted it’s already nine in the morning.” “We don’t have anywhere to be.” Henry hesitates, but seems to agree at last, because he turns around to Ted now. He reaches for Teds face and starts placing soft kisses everywhere. “Open your eyes. I know that you are awake. You talked to me.” Ted smiles and shakes his head. “I’m not awake.” Henry goes for Teds eyes now, gently kissing his closed eyelids and every bit of unkissed skin nearby. “Jesus Christ, you really are consistent“, Ted mumbles now, not daring to admit how much he enjoys it. He opens his eyes now, squinting at the light that floats into the room through the window, almost immediately closing them again. “No”, he just says, before he cuddles up against Henrys chest, buries his head in the crook of Henrys neck and places a few tired kisses there. Henry wraps his arms around Ted, seemingly giving up now. It doesn’t take long for Ted to fall back asleep. They end up laying and cuddling there way longer than Henry planned to but he can’t deny that he thoroughly enjoys every second of it. After some time he decides to get up though, because he can hear everybody else in the kitchen. He slips out of Teds arms, receiving a quiet groan, but nothing more. - When Ted wakes up again, Henrys gone. After a glance at the clock, he forces himself to get up as well. He enters the kitchen, where everybody is, for some reason. They are all either putting away everything or doing the dishes. Of course they are already done eating. Ted steps closer to Henry, hugging him from behind and resting his head against Henrys back. “Traitor”, he mumbles. “It’s not possible that you are still tired Ted.” Ted can hear Henry smile while saying that. “Well looks like you tired me out last night.” Bills hands shoot up to cover Alice ears and Emmas jaw drops. “Good God”, Henry mumbles. Alice laughs, much to Bills shock. She ducks out of his hands. “Dad, I’m almost 18!” “You’re still too young.” “Oh”, Paul mouths, only now getting it. “I’m out”, Emma declares and pulls a confused Paul out of the kitchen. “I guess we’ll leave you alone too.” Poor Bill. He suddenly seems so overwhelmed. He just leaves. Alice smiles and winks at Ted, before she follows everybody else. Ted might actually start to like her. Henry turns to Ted, biting his lip to keep himself from smiling. “So, now that everybody’s out of here, do you wanna make out?”, Ted asks. “You are unbelievable.” “You’re into it though.” “That’s right, come here.”

[stydiaeverafter]

So no one likes love triangles, but Carina does, and it’s her show so who cares?

Why does everyone make love triangles out to be romantic? Like, they hurt people and screw with relationships. Plus if someone was like I love you so much, but I’m actually going to date your best friend.... then I’d tell them to go fuck off and it’s over. Poetic cinema? Nah. I think it’s ridiculous. And Carina KNOWS Alex and Maria are close, and she’s still doing it. That’s what bothers me the most. All for the angst? Really? That’s the angst you want to go for...?

No, I don’t like love triangles, I never have (someone always gets hurt so badly), but what really bugs me is that it’s with Alex’s “best friend,” and I put up quotes because honestly, what best friend? Neither of Alex’s human friends have been there for him. He’s been there for both of them, especially Maria. The only one that has since he’s returned, is Kyle.

That makes this whole thing even more tragic and quite honestly, puts BOTH Michael and Maria in a very bad light. Lets start with her. I’m so disappointed in Maria’s character. She was my favorite in the OG. And I love Heather, so nothing against the actress, but I don’t like her storyline in this show. She seemed so full of life and fun, had a cool story with her mom, her intuitive powers, and seemed to be a good friend in the beginning. But I began to see she was only a good friend to Liz. Not to Alex. She was at first telling him that home can be a person. She was there for him. But then that all drastically changed when she and Michael hooked up. What bothers me is after they hooked up, they were fun and the banter was great. Should’ve left it there and built a cool friendship. But what I’m failing to see on the show, is how she fell so hard when she found out that Michael is the love of Alex’s life. Okay, so maybe she had feelings for a long time (they couldn’t have hooked up over the course of 10 years?) but I still think it’s pretty shitty she’d do this to Alex. Especially when she’s sitting there telling Alex, “it’s never going to happen again.” Like she looked in his eyes while saying that and saw his, “okay.” He didn’t say, “it’s okay, we’re over. Go for it...” no, because he’s hopeful and so in love. And Maria KNOWS that. She said it herself! I get she doesn’t know what Michael feels for Alex, but what about her intuition? Why can’t she feel that?! They’re cosmic! And that’s Michael’s choice not to tell her, but regardless it doesn’t matter because she KNOWS HOW ALEX FEELS. I don’t care if feelings are involved, it’s wrong, and start using your head! How will this affect Alex? He’s had a hard enough life. A little friendly support would be nice. So yes, I hope she does feel guilty and I hope his so called “best friends,” step it up.

And before you attack me for going off on Maria, don’t worry, I’ll go off on Michael, too.

Yes, I get it, Michael is hurting. Went through a tremendous loss. Him wanting space is not the issue, him going for Alex’s best friend behind his back is. ESPECIALLY after Alex poured his heart out. No, I’m not expecting that to magically fix everything—I know he’s having a hard time with their love right now, but he’s being so selfish to go for one of Alex’s friends. BEST FRIENDS. Like does he even care about Alex at all? He knows Alex has been bullied and abused his whole life... and he cherishes his best friends. Again, I don’t care if feelings are involved, that’s really shitty to do to someone you supposedly “love.”

And yes, Alex left him, repeatedly, and yes, that hurt. He deserves to be mad at Alex for that. So maybe he feels like I really don’t owe the guy anything. But does he respect Maria? She keeps saying no, and yet he keeps pushing. Is he that selfish? They both have feelings, but what about her friendship to Alex? Is he even thinking what this will do to Alex? Probably not. Which hurts so badly. Does anyone think of Alex? It’s seems like no. Even when Liz was talking about Michael to Maria—they didn’t care what it would do to Alex. That freaking hurts. Where is the OG human friendship trio we used to have?!? I don’t like where this is going. Alex was just alone and forgotten. And Michael didn’t even have the balls to go and talk to Alex first. I know it would’ve been hard to leave him, but to say “we’ll talk tomorrow,” and then nothing. I know we haven’t seen everything yet, and he still may go talk to Alex. But he honestly wanted to go see Maria first to what? See if she’d finally say yes? What if she hadn’t? Would he go and say fine, and just kiss Alex? So that would make Alex what? His second choice? Alex Manes should be someone’s first choice.

So at the end of this annoyed Ted Talk—I think Carina is going about this so wrong. No, it’s not my show, but what’s wrong with friendship? Why couldn’t Maria and Michael just be way good friends? Why couldn’t Alex’s best friends be there for him? I get Michael needs space, and Malex cannot happen right now. It may kill me, but I get the narrative. But bringing this love triangle in with the best friend, is certainly not the direction she should be going.

She says Malex’s story will always be important, I love that. What I don’t love is seeing it drawn out for unnecessary angst when she could write a healthy, loving, and cosmic couple. They love each other!! Love isn’t easy, but what she’s doing is making it even worse. Why does it always have to be so messy? Young people are watching! We can be better than just this CW trope. And I really don’t want to see Maria and Michael happy-go-lucky for what could be an entire season, not giving a shit about how this affects Alex. And while he may say “it’s okay I support you both (which I hope he doesn’t), he’ll be actually sitting there completely broken-hearted and depressed—without love or friendship.

Sorry, to me, that’s not love. And that’s not beautiful.

[maddowaymusic]

Lyric Breakdown: Warped Brutality.

hello there!! this is a follow up post with a lyric breakdown for warped brutality, as the groups lyricist and vocalist. 

(TW FOR SEXUAL ABUSE, GRAPHIC VIOLENCE.)

brag about the strength you hold

over sluts like me

say ‘“shut up pretty girl

or you’ll be hung from a tree”

hello again! this is essentially a running commentary of my lyric writing process. so this song is starting off very aggressive, as you can see. this is kind of from a place of then I was a lot younger, being sexualised as a ‘woman’ for the first time when I was really too young to know. this is coming from a girl who used to travel in central London and I had a lot of insults and catcalls targeted at me and other girls who had to be under fourteen at the time. because a lot of it was very loaded with aggression, and with that threat there as an undertone it does make it a scary thing to go through if you attempt to discourage such comments.

cut my throat so you decapitate me

tear my skirt and humiliate me

don’t blame you, it’s just your urge

thats what they taught me at church

so, from what I have experienced and witnessed generally as apart of a society is there are so many excuses for this sexist and sexually-driven aggression. one that I head a lot as a kid going to church and being apart of a religious town, was that as a women it was written for years that women are meant to be lesser, and the more subservient gender. it also occurred to me kind of as I grew up that the violence we’re used to hearing almost can become the normal standard, and we grow a bit used to it? like it’s an action that we begin to expect as apart of a loving relationship, which obviously is very wrong. 

because you’re such a nice guy

giving me a chance

say “suck my dick or the barrel”

i didn’t want to fucking dance!

this bit was something I and a lot of other people have experienced also. when dealing with people who are so aggressive in how they pursue women or love in general, you nearly feel guilty when you don’t want the same thing. it’s really draining, feeling as if you have to apologise because you don't want something and this other person does. then there’s sexual coercion, which I don’t really have to go Ito as apart of sexual assault as it’s one of the most common things going. 

it’s not your fault, i’m sorry,

you really like to hurt me,

don’t worry about morality

it’s your warped brutality

my god i wish you killed me

rip me apart

tell me that you love me

and kill my horrid heart

when writing this song I got really stuck on structure, and I started looking online for alost guidelines for writing alternative punk and metal lyrics. I came across a reddit post that said, oddly, to look at serial killer documentaries? this did stump me, but said oh well, started Ted Bundy documentary I found on YouTube, and ended up with the full song three hours later. There are a lot of references t him and more importantly his victims throughout the song. “I wish you killed me”, was something he said to a police officer who unknowingly caught him when he was caught on the run, being wanted by the police across the U.S. 

he was a smart boy

he was so nice

boy!

a dead girl gives him joy

she is just his fucking toy!

she’s such a brave girl,

she moved away, girl!

she went to study

now her face is fucked and bloody!

he was a smart man

he had a nice van

he don’t like my attitude

killers are killer, dude

this is where the ted bundy slander occurs, to be honest. this is a main summary of his first few murders. bundy posed as a lovely, injured man, to get sympathy off of female members of the public, before kidnapping them and murdering them. he faked a broken arm, had a van, and one of his first victims was a student at a nearby university who he took outside of a library. 

it’s not your fault, i’m sorry,

you just really want to hurt me

don’t worry about morality

it’s your warped brutality

my god i wish you killed me

rip me apart

tell me that you love me

and kill my horrid heart

(after this second chorus, Alex started the breakdown and solos which go into the speech bit that comes at the end of the song, for context.)

i watched women shake in fear because they have no choice but to walk home alone at night, knowing why we’re warned against something so mundane.

this comes from being a commuter when I was about twelve, and still applies to me now when I’m nearly nineteen. it’s always going toe something most people, even men, are warned about because there’s always people who are going to be out to get you over something, whether it’s race, gender, what you’re carrying, or something else. attacks like this will never stop, but you never know what could happen. it’s a scary concept that will probably never go away in my head.

i have been this woman.

i watched women i have never met, die in cruel ways to please a man in power. we beg for justice to be shoved aside in a court room.

sarah everald will not die in vain.

the sarah everald case was very important to me when it happened, because it was such a shock to the UK. as someone who represents as a women, it’s such a frightening thing. there are rules we have always been told to follow, such as wearing bright, distinctive clothing, staying on main roads, having a source of communication if anything goes wrong and to tell people your location. even with all of this being followed, she was kidnapped by someone who is meant to help us, a police officer high off of the power of his position while off duty. there is also a example of women who have been assaulted, raped, or abused, when trying to get a conviction 

i have watched women stumble in smoking shelters, unaware of who they are.

i have been this woman.

very personal, but moving to a new city full of uni students was the first time I have been spiked. it was very scary as I hadn't even been on a night out. I had finished work and gone to the club later as the rest of my flat were there on a night out, and I hadn't wanted to miss it. attempting to help a guy who looked too gone, he bought be a drink and within the next half an hour I had to be taken home by my flat. it was a really scary experience, considering I was always with my best friend, who is a guy, it’s usually off-putting to people looking to take advantage.  

they will never stop no matter how many sisters must die to prove a point a million times over.

these actions will not stop.

the streets we helped to build will never be safe for us.

cry with us, we’re spilling out guts.

-  - - - - -

that's my lyric breakdown!! once again, not the usual style I write for music, but it was really cathartic and I did enjoy writing something that was more propelled by an emotion other than kind of sadness or longing, as per my usual style. 

[thatmcnuttyguy]

ANGRY RANT TIME

I am a big fan of Rick and Morty. I’ve seen every episode to date, am currently following along with several fan theories and trying to help piece together some of the shows mysteries, and am not associated with those fuck bois who go around acting like a total asshole just because Pickle Rick exists.

Rick and Morty, to me, is one of the smartest, funniest and downright best adult cartoons to exist. Every episode is well thought out, with Dan Harmon and Justin Roiland bringing their long careers of creating great comedic content to the forefront of a show that has people going crazy over the tiniest details, and for good reason....which makes me infuriated when I see stuff where people compare it to Family Guy.

Now that’s not to say I don’t enjoy some facets of Family Guy. However, I despise most of what that show is, simply because it takes every possible thing that is wrong with humanity, and slaps the old “But it’s just a joke” logo on it as justification for showing things like Quagmire trying to rape Marge Simpson, countless hours of violence towards minors and spouses, and a flagrant disregard for Human empathy from just about every character in the show.

Whenever I see things like the above image, I want to find the person who made it and strangle them. Rick and Morty, as well as Futurama, are NOTHING like Family Guy, because while Futurama and Rick and Morty might have their issues, they are still smart, well thought out, and engaging shows, whereas Family Guy is a pile of trash that should never have come back from cancellation to boost the ego of a man clearly devoid of any real humor.

Seth MacFarlane, to some, is a God in the animation world. He started out working for Hanna-Barbera, where he worked on shows like Johnny Bravo, Cow and Chicken, Dexter’s Laboratory and I Am Weasel. Then, in 1999, he created the series Family Guy, and there was no going back for him.

Since Family Guy’s initial release in 1999, MacFarlane has made three other shows (American Dad, The Cleveland Show and The Orville) as well as three major motion picture films; Ted, Ted 2 and A Million Ways To Die In The West. Of those, the only things I like out of the whole bunch are American Dad (Mainly because it at least tries to be smart with some of the things it has to say) and the first Ted film (I consider it a guilty pleasure at best).

Family Guy is just terrible. Just about everything the show has to offer is filth that Fox still allows to air simply because they know there are people out there who enjoy it. Outside of the animation, which at times can be wonderful to look at from an animator’s standpoint, the show does everything in it’s power to offend as many people as it can. But where shows like South Park and Rick and Morty make sure there’s a message behind it or at least decently thought out comedy, Family Guy finds the lowest common denominator and runs with it, trying their best to make a pile of shit seem like it’s worth 23 minutes of your day at a time.

But there’s apparently an audience for it. To date, the show has had 16 seasons, featuring a total of 300 episodes, including episodes with some of the following plot lines and “jokes” that I am utterly shocked made it to air: - A Musical sequence based on the “When You Wish Upon A Star” song entitled “I Need A Jew,” where Peter explains he needs the help of a Jewish man to help him achieve financial success. - A Throwaway joke about Mother Teresa overdosing and being pushed out of a car in front of a hospital - The aforementioned abuse of family members, most notably Meg Griffin, the “ugly” daughter that literally no one seems to like except a perverted, potentially harmful nerd at her school. - The Episode Quagmire’s Mom, where we not only are forced to feel sorry for a statutory rapist, but one who basically gets off the hook on a cheap technicality because of course they wouldn’t want to send one of the shows “MOST BELOVED CHARACTERS” to jail where they could use him to potentially rape Marge Simpson again or any of the other horrible things he’s done for the sake of “COMEDY.”

Now compare this with Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty features episodes that have violence and insulting language and the like, but where Family Guy goes and tries to make the joke insulting to the audience, Rick and Morty focuses on smart sci-fi comedy, utilizing tropes of the genre to their fullest advantage and creating several plot lines that are smart and provocative.

Through Inter-Dimensional travel, we’ve been given episodes and plot lines that are beyond clever, like the episode “Mortynight Run,” where Rick and Morty go to a galactic arcade, leaving Jerry behind at Jerry Daycare, a daycare like institution where Rick’s drop off their “Jerry’s” so they don’t have to deal with them when they end up coming along or some reason.

How about the Council of Ricks? Rick is consistently referred to as the smartest mammal in the universe, and as such, a majority of all Rick’s in existence came together to create the Council of Ricks, and inter-dimensional government of sorts that oversees and polices Rick based activities.

These are well thought out plot points that are utilized in the shows traditional fashion, and that’s just scratching the surface. I haven’t even mentioned Snowball, Mr. Meseeks, The alien parasites that implant fake memories, The various separate dimensions they travel to, Froopyland, The Whirly Dirly, Anatomy Park, Unity and so many other things that this show has provided that I could spend hours upon hours just talking about them.

Just about every episode of this show is thought out by intelligent writers who actually do research when needed and clearly care about the universe they are crafting. They have devoted their time to a show that has left people questioning their existence while laughing their asses off, and I believe that only truly well thought out programming can do that. Shows like Gravity Falls, Futurama, The Venture Brothers, Bojack Horseman, and even one of MacFarlane’s other creations American Dad all offer something fun and unique in animation that is usually dominated by shows meant to just keep kids busy.

(In included Gravity Falls because, while a kids show, it has so many darker themes and elements that it attracted a large adult following)

To even think that a show like Rick and Morty has ANYTHING in common with Family Guy outside of being animated adult shows is laughable at best and down right insulting at worst. Family Guy, in it’s entire history, has contributed little to nothing of impact to society. It’s continued existence is just proof that Seth MacFarlane has managed to somehow overtake Fox to some degree, and if it weren’t for the Simpson’s and Bob’s Burgers would probably DEMAND he run the entire animation department at Fox with only his programming.

If you’re a fan of Family Guy, but not a fan of Rick and Morty, that’s fine. You are entitled to your own opinion and I won’t try to persuade you otherwise. I personally think that Family Guy is a dumpster fire of a show that has literally nothing nice to say, so to me, it should follow the rule we were all taught as early as Kindergarten. 

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” 

[sambinnie]

How are you? I wish I had something more incisive to greet you with, but the speed with which everything occurs means it would be irrelevant, distasteful or a viral punchline a few hours later. 

I have been to the cinema for the first time in six months, and continued my regular habit exactly where I’d left it by attending a first-thing-in-the-morning screening of Tenet with only one other person in the cinema, sitting miles away and also on their own (the only way to watch a film, I say). Fucking Tenet, though. I mean, I have really missed going to the cinema, partly because I love films and partly because there’s such a small-scale decadence to occasionally going there solo at 10am on a Tuesday morning, and those tiny pleasures (which, of course, are currently no longer tiny) are just the things to keep me going.

But the film. Oh god, the film. I wish… I wish I could collate my thoughts into something which doesn’t just rapidly descend into a frustrated scream. I wish success didn’t mean people couldn’t say no to you. I wish I liked Nolan’s Batman films, for a start, since so many seem to get so much from them (see also: Breaking Bad, Killing Eve and Line of Duty), but I’ve always found them silly, really dumbly written, and badly made — I can’t hear much of the dialogue, and the action sequences are frequently shot with so many cuts and movement that’s it’s impossible to follow, something George Miller could teach him about so beautifully — and they’re so bloody solemn. Gotham is a grim place, but there’s a boring pomposity in fetishing that one-note grimness, and Nolan has it nailed. Having a character genuinely laugh at something doesn’t render your film light-weight; it creates contrast, and human engagement, something these serious (but sci-fi)/serious (but fantasy)/serious (but adult man dresses in a cape) films too often lack, as if a strained, one-note way of speaking will cancel out the frivolous, actually enjoyable genre aspect of the film. 

That lack of humanity is shared by Tenet. After a certain point, I simply don’t care. Is the nuke going to explode before Batman can something something something? *shrugs* Will the Tenet team manage to stop some sort of bad thing happening? Yes? No? Don’t mind, fine either way. Is Tenet nice to look at? Yes, but in a sort of “Christ, are we still holding up billionaire oligarch lifestyles as an aspirational thing at the moment?” very pre-2020 mood. Does it make sense? No, but that alone doesn’t mean it isn’t good — some great films, and some great Nolan films, take several goes to fully enjoy, and some are more enjoyable with every watch. Do I give a single fig about the outcome of the film or for any character after 20 minutes? Nope.

One major issue is that Nolan has made Inception, a masterpiece of film-making meta-commentary. How, once you’ve watched Cobb and Ariadne discuss the leaping-about way of conversations in films/dreams (stopping and starting in completely new locations) can you take the same thing seriously between Neil (Neil. Neil.) and The Protagonist? (I would like to see how many women read this screenplay along the way and just gave a small, inner sigh at the main character being named 'The Protagonist’.) As their boring expositional chats chop between pavement and public transport and plaza, one can’t help remembering how well Nolan previously pointed this out, yet has reverted to that self-conscious device to no benefit at all. It’s like he’s never seen his own films.

Similarly, the much-lauded aeroplane scene is completely without the necessary ingredient of tension because we’ve already been shown what happens, not just in other films but in this one, about fifteen minutes before. It’s like Bill & Ted promising they’d do whatever it was they needed right now, but in the future, and their momentary problem being solved by a loose sense of timey-wimey future self-ness. There’s nothing at stake at the airport, and between us being shown what happens and the scene beginning, nothing has happened for us to even hope the mission isn’t completed. It felt like the criminally underused Himesh Patel was in an instructional video for fuss-free plane-borrowing; compare it to the similar scene in Casino Royale (perhaps the only modern Bond film worth bothering with) and the flatness and mechanical nature of Tenet is all too apparent. The twists of the film, such as they are, are likewise foreseeable for even the least Pauline Kael among us. Who could it be under the mask? WHO COULD IT POSSIBLY BE? 

The Prestige, an earlier film of Nolan’s, is such a contrast to this that I’m stunned I didn’t watch it the moment I came home to clear my brain out. It’s smart, logical, moving, tense, engaging, and if there are plot holes (probably) I didn’t care because a) I really, really cared about what happened to each person, each of whom spoke and behaved like humans, not AI script-bots, and b) it gave this household a v useful shorthand nickname for anyone who wanted something one day but completely inexplicably changed their mind or denied it the next. I recommend it. I do not recommend Tenet. 

Of course, I feel guilty for caring so much about this, and writing about some fucking multi-squillion-dollar film with everything else happening. I am feeling extremely, crushingly ineffectual presently, and have completely come off all social media which from time to time would remind me of the efficacy of protest, of letter-writing and petition-signing and contacting one’s MP, so change feels hopeless and November’s blows seem inevitable. I am trying to knit my mind back together before then with small acts of body-work: cooking and running, drawing and swimming. I worry that I will drown in guilt and fear if I stop for a moment. It is pathetic, but I am still breathing, for now. 

My cynicism-filter is also at its finest mesh, because it cannot cope with the reality of our leaders and the UK’s political discourse: only small-fry stuff gets through, the Sali Hugheses and Jack Monroes, small-time fantasists who manipulate and virtue-signal to build lives of back-slapping consumerist celebration and Twitter Power Leader Boards. I’ve listened again to The Purity Spiral, and also to Desperately Seeking Sympathy, and wondered how many intelligent, kind-hearted people waste time supporting these innocent, victimised mini-Trumps just because they use the right buzzwords and also appear to hate the Tories. 

I wish I could give you some of the lights in my heart that keep me going — the occasional pure moon-eating delight of the people I live with — but here are more feasible treats instead.

Mike Birbiglia’s podcast Working It Out is a treasure, particularly the first episode with Ira Glass, which I think everyone who works in a creative field will listen to and wish they had an Ira Glass to critique their work. I like the idea of documenting works in progress, and not carrying any shame when things don’t work yet.

The Rose Matafeo episode of The Horne Section podcast, because I love her and I love stupid and brilliant songs. Several housemates have discovered Taskmaster too, which makes this a nice bridge.

Sarah & Duck, the BBC programme for tiny children. We never really used kids’ TV when they were little, but this now functions as a salve for when we’ve watched something truly terrifying like Poirot or a Marvel film, and besides the fact that Duck is absolutely fucking hilarious, the animation is staggeringly beautiful. The Islamic geometric patterns of the garden hedge; the soft blue-green hum of the “glow” section of the library, filled with lamps and luminescent books; the motes of dust caught in the sun-rays of Scarf Lady’s window. It’s a balm. 

Thanks to two housemates becoming great cooks over lockdown, I’ve rediscovered lots of my cookbooks and found 2015’s Simply Nigella to be a real corker. The rice with sprouts, chilli and pineapple, the drunken noodles and the Thai noodles with cinnamon and prawn are worth the entry fee alone. It’s quite chicken- and pomegranate seed-heavy, but even if you don’t like those, it’s extremely nice to be eating something that isn’t on our usual five-meal rota (and is also extremely delicious).

I was solo for some of the summer, and managed to watch a few excellent films, including BlacKkKlansman, The Peanut Butter Falcon and Love & Friendship. Cannot recommend these highly enough (*whispers* particularly the latter because it’s as painfully sharp as Austen should be, and we’d made the mistake of watching Emma. and I’m still so cross I’m not sure I’m ready to discuss everything that was wrong with it publicly yet).

I read Esther Williams’ memoir, The Million Dollar Mermaid. Perfect for anyone who loves that period of Hollywood, and full of juicy (as well as some pretty traumatic) episodes from the swimmer and actress’s amazing life. To give you a sense of it, chapter one is called “Esther Williams, Cary Grant, and LSD”. Super good. 

I hope you all keep well, pals x

[lonelyandgone]

Previous Chapters:  Teaser/Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 2

 Unexpected – Chapter 3

 His mom has, he believes, six different faces.  He’s grown used to them through the years.  Well-tuned at reading them.  Maybe damn near perfect at it.  He considers it a gift.  

There are your normal, happy and sad faces.  There’s worried and angry.  Then there are his favorites.  Her “straighten your ass up before I do it for you” face, which, perhaps, he’s seen far too many times in his lifetime.  And there is the one he’s seeing right now.  The one that has been resting upon her for the past thirty minutes.  Her “I’m skeptical as fuck” face.  

He called it that to her once.  When he was 16 years old and he asked her if he could borrow her car so he could go to his friend Lauren James’s house to study.  She had looked at him, her eyes narrowed, her face a shade darker than her normal shade.  Study, she had said as she planted her hands firmly on her hips and tilted her head to the side.  His stomach had turned, tightening into what felt like a knot when he uttered a not so convincing yes.  When those eyes narrowed on him even more, he had thrown his hands up in the air and found himself spewing words like “you don’t trust me” and “it’s just studying” before he added “why are you looking at me like you are skeptical as fuck.”  

His mouth had clamped shut the moment those idiotic words escaped his lips and he spent the rest of the evening and the next two weeks grounded to his room.  He knew long before that, though he had apparently had temporary amnesia that night, and he’s known every day since then that Lisa Evans was no fool.  She knew every trick in the book.  She knew her kid’s personalities, their ways of doing things, to a tee.  She could see every emotion, every intent, every action in the faces around her regardless of what was being said or done.  She was a reader.  She is a reader.  

And right now, she’s reading him like a novel she can’t put down.

The strangest part though, this morning he found that same look staring back at him in his bathroom mirror.  It was there last night too.  When he went back to his condo after kissing Taylor and then asking her to join him here today.  He had looked at himself with skepticism, as his brain questioned his actions.  He had wondered why he kissed her.  Why he had stopped that elevator when he did.  And then he looked at the man in the mirror, the man whose face was clouded with skepticism, and he asked one more question. . . . why did she kiss him back?

But then he walked away from the mirror.  He pushed the questions out of his mind.  And he drove to her hotel to pick her up and bring her here.  

He had walked into the room, into his family’s normal Fenway Park box, a little less than an hour ago. He had expected the reaction, the mouths to fall, the eyes to widen, when those closest to him saw the woman who entered at his side.  It was his nephew, Miles, who spoke first.  “Taylor Swift,” he had said, his voice dancing, his entire body indicative of the surprise and excitement he was experiencing.  

Miles’s younger sister, Stella, would be the first to react.  Instead of remaining frozen, which the others in the room seemed to be, she had run full force toward them, crashing into Taylor’s body and wrapping her arms around her slender legs.  Taylor had laughed, leaning down and peeling her away from her only to encompass his niece in her arms.  It was adorably beautiful and he couldn’t stop the smile that formed naturally on his face.

It didn’t take long for his family to find their voices, and their manners, again.  Each one welcoming Taylor, giving her bear hugs or firm hand shakes.  He had noticed, he couldn’t help but, that each of their eyes was a mirror to those of the kids.  He had inherited his mother’s vast skill of reading faces and while their voices were calm and composed, their faces were full of awe and . . . . . well, amusement.

He would see similar expressions when Jeremy arrived a couple of minutes later, daughter Ava in tow. Jeremy had glanced at him, then to Taylor and back to him before he punched his hand out toward the blonde. “Jeremy,” he said before Taylor added the “Renner.”

“Nice to meet you,” she beamed, reaching her other hand in to encompass his in a firm shake.  When Jeremy’s gaze returned to his, he could see the questions written all over.  Questions he is sure are on the tips of the tongues of everyone in the room over the age of ten.

When he did his best to explain, telling them about running into Taylor in Paris and then again at the hospital the day before, he could tell most were sufficed.  When he added that he had told her she needed to discover Boston and Fenway Park is quintessential Boston, they were sufficed even more.  But his mother . . . . . his wise beyond words mother, she simply narrowed her eyes on him before she slipped her arm around Taylor’s shoulder and took her to the window, talking to her as they looked down upon the historic field.

Within minutes, the atmosphere in the room would change.  Gone were the confused glares and rehearsed words.  Stella and Ava had drug Taylor away from his mom, each rambling incoherently as they vied for her attention.  From his position nearest Jeremy, he could hear them go on and on about their favorite Disney Channel shows, each also telling her about their different trips to Walt Disney World in explicit and animated detail.  His sisters, Carly and Shanna, had each took their own turn talking to the newcomer, though he didn’t hear what they were saying. He could tell though from the looks on each of their faces that the conversations were easy and effortless, much like his own with her.  It was something that made him happy, though he isn’t sure exactly why.

Throughout it all, without even as much as a glance, he could feel his mom’s face . . . . that face . . . on him.  

“How long have you been a Red Sox fan?”  Taylor’s voice hums and he turns to see her taking a seat next to him.

He cackles sarcastically. “I was born here.  It’s in my blood.  So, I’ve been a fan pretty much since I was in the womb.”

She smiles and then moves her view to look straight ahead.  It’s the bottom of the third inning.  The Sox currently down 1 to nothing to those other Sox, the Chicago ones.  Jose Quintana is on the mound pitching to Dustin Pedroia.  Taylor moves forward in her seat just as the Quintana’s pitch hits Pedroia’s bat, a loud smack thundering through the stadium, followed instantly by another loud thunder, this one of the fans cheering.  

He reacts immediately, it is, after all, in his blood, his eyes following the ball through the outfield and over the right field wall.  The box erupts and Chris throws his hands in the air, mimicking the action of every other inhabitant, minus Taylor and the kids.  “Yes,” he exclaims, “home run.  Tie game.”  He high fives his dad behind him and then Jeremy to his left.  

Taylor is laughing and clapping but hasn’t budged from her seat.  “You don’t watch baseball,” he asks, his voice glistening and reeking of a hint of sarcasm.  

She shakes her head, her lips slipping into a sheepish grin.  “Not really.  I’ve obviously seen games on TV before.  My dad watches it sometimes.  He’s a Rays fan.  But I’ve never actually sat for more than five minutes and watched a game.”

His curiosity and his eyebrow peaked, he sits back down in the chair beside of her.  “So this is your first game?”

“Yep,” she admits, looking almost guilty.  

“Well, then I’m glad I brought you because I can’t think of anywhere else you would get the best first game experience than Fenway.”

“Why is that,” she asks and he glances at her, surprised.  Or at least, he feigns surprise.  

“Are you kidding?” When she shakes her head again, he continues on.  “Fenway Park is the most famous ballpark in the world.  I’m not even saying that because I’m a Bo Sox fan or because I’m from here, it’s the honest truth.”

“What about Yankee Stadium,” she interjects, a gleam of mischief in her eyes and he realizes that, at the very least, she knows a little more about baseball than she is letting on.

“Don’t say that word here. For real.  Using the Y word in Boston can get you hurt or harassed at a minimum.  And I’d rather your first game experience be remembered fondly, not because someone went Boston on you.”

She raises her eyebrows to him, a slight smile lifting her cheeks.  He can see her amusement in the glimmer in eyes.  “Went Boston on me?”

“Nevermind,” he boasts, “Anyway. . . . Fenway Park.  Built in 1912.  Oldest ballpark in the majors.  It’s small, as you can see, but it’s mighty.  That there,” he says, pointing to the left field wall, “is the green monster. Everyone who knows anything about baseball knows the green monster.  Knows Fenway. Knows the Red Sox.  Eight-time world series champs.  Home of some of the greats like Ted Williams, Dwight Evans, Cy Young, Pedro Martinez and, more recently, David Ortiz.  I could literally go on all day.”

“I can tell,” she laughs.

“You are inside history right here,” he croaks and then leans to his right, placing his shoulder just to the side of hers, “and since this is your first baseball experience, you have to do it the right way.  Scott . . . ” He turns his head, looking over his shoulder at his brother standing near one of the tables, a beer perched in his hand.  “The lady here has never been to a baseball game period.  Not just a Red Sox game.  So we need to be good baseball hostesses and make sure she gets the whole shebang.  She needs,” he laughs, holding his hands out around him as if he’s making an important announcement, “a Fenway Frank.”

“Coming up,” Scott chirps, nodding as a smile encompasses his face.

“What is a Fenway Frank,” Taylor asks, narrowing those vibrant blues on him.

He smiles, pointing toward the crowd outside of the window.  “What a good 90% of those people are eating right now.  It’s another Boston favorite and not to mention a baseball staple.  A hot dog. Relish, onion, spicy brown mustard. You can alter it but that’s the best combo.”

When she squinches her nose, laughter pours from the depths of his belly.  “It sounds awful.”

“You will love it. Trust me.”  He winks and for a second, he believes he sees a gentle shade of pink swell in her cheeks but she quickly turns her gaze back to the game and away from his view.  

Scott arrives a couple minutes later, two Fenway Franks teetering in one hand with two bottles of Sam Adams dangling precariously on his fingertips in the other.  “You ready for Boston’s finest,” Chris asks as he takes the goods from his brother, virtually tossing one dog to Taylor before handing her a beer.  

With her gaze back on him, she places a knowing grin on her face and tilts her head.  “I thought the cannoli from last night were Boston’s finest?”

“Well I’m from Boston so obviously we have more than one thing that can be deemed as its finest.” His response is immediate, and not quite what he is meaning to say, but there his words nonetheless.  When his view spans over her, he has no doubt of the shades of pink that tint her cheeks this time.    

He’s cursing himself, shaking his head at his words, when he sees her lift her head, winking at him before she places the hot dog to her lips and takes a bite.  He watches as she chews and he smirks when he sees a smile slowly take form on her lips.  She takes a drink of the beer before she speaks.  “It sounds awful . . . . but it tastes good.”

“I’m going to make you love Boston,” he chuckles before he takes a bite of his own frank.  

She grins, biting at her bottom lip, and then leans forward.  He doesn’t know what she’s doing, but when he feels the delicate skin of her thumb at the side of his mouth, his body inadvertently quivers, his chest tightens.  She swipes along his skin, no doubt feeling his reaction, and her smiles drops slightly, her expression turning nervous and rushed.  

“I’m sorry,” she mutters, “you had mustard on your mouth.”

He can feel her anxiety, her tension, in her words and in the stiffening of her body.

“Thank you,” he slaps at her arm playfully, hoping to lighten the moment, lessen her nerves. “I need to make sure I continue to look like one of Boston’s finest and mustard certainly detracts from that.”

His joke softens her and he feels his chest tighten once more when he sees the gentle smile tug at her lips again.  That’s more like it, he thinks. That’s absolutely more like it.  

He spends the fourth inning explaining the ins and outs of the game to Taylor, finding Jeremy joining in at times as they discuss positions, plays and why pitchers sometimes spit on their hands.  She listens intently, just as she has before, moving her eyes around the field as she takes in their words, as she processes the information in her head.  

By the top of the fifth, she seems well versed in the game, giving her own play by play, glancing at Chris and Jeremy for approval each time.  “You catch on quick,” his dad pipes in from his seat three down from Taylor, “I’m impressed.”  She smiles and offers a sincere “thank you.”

Seconds later, she excuses herself and he watches her as she heads off toward the private restroom in the far left corner.

He knows what will happen next.  Knows the questions that will no doubt come from someone, pretty much anyone, in his party. When he moves in his seat, positioning himself toward the game, he discovers who will get first dibs at him. Jeremy.  “So, Taylor Swift,” he says, his eyes wide and full of delight.

“Please don’t go Lisa Evans on me,” Chris pleads amusingly, running his hand down his face as he leans back in his seat.  

Jeremy hearty laugh fills the room and prompts his own brief chuckle.  “Yeah, I’ve noticed Momma Evans’s skeptical eyes on you and Taylor all day.”

He shrugs, trying his best to return his attention, and Jeremy’s, to the game but knowing that the likelihood of that happening is slim to none.  “I fully anticipate an interrogation whenever she gets me alone,” Chris sighs, knowing the truth of his statement.  

Jeremy nods, “How about I give you a mini one now.”  

Chris groans, expressing his displeasure but knowing that arguing against Jeremy’s questions will be useless.  “We’re friends.  That’s all,” he spills, placing his hands in front of him as a crutch to what he says, “We spent some time talking in Paris, some more time talking yesterday after the hospital visit.  She’s nice. Interesting.  I enjoy talking to her and thought I’d talk to her some more today.  Nothing wrong with talking.”

He can feel Jeremy’s eyes on him, feels as if he is studying him, and then he sees his longtime friend pierce his lips together.  “Nothing at all wrong with that.  She’s cool. It looks like everyone has enjoyed having her here.  I know Ava has told me about a zillion times that she’s been hanging out with Taylor,” he feigns excitement, waving his hands in front of him like his daughter has, “I can’t breathe, Swift.”

Chris glances to his right. “Yeah I think Ava and Stella are in a competition to see who can hug on her the most.”

Jeremy chuckles, taking a pull of his beer as he leans back in the chair and throws one leg over the other. “Ava will win that battle.  She’s a little huggy monster.”  A few seconds pass, and Chris settles back into the game, hoping beyond hope that Jeremy has as well.  

He hasn’t, his words soft this time, but still coming.  “So what’s the deal with her and Hiddleston?”

Shrugging one shoulder and keeping his eyes locked on the field, Chris takes his own drink of beer and then clears his throat.  He narrows his eyes on the field.  “Not together but she’s still in love with him.  Apparently he’s not responding to her when she tries to contact him.  I don’t know.  It’s not my business.”

Without looking his way, he can see Jeremy contemplating his words, sees him nodding his head as he does. “Tom Hiddleston is a lucky bastard. Having a woman like that pining over him.”  When Chris doesn’t respond, he hears Jeremy laugh.  “Think I could sway her?”

“What,” he says, the word sounding far more cutting than he intended it to.

Jeremy shrugs, raising his eyebrows in surprise or skepticism, which he isn’t sure.  “You said they weren’t together.  No harm in seeing if I could redirect her pining.  I am single and I have eyes.  And that woman,” he says, leaning to Chris as he nods toward the door Taylor slipped into minutes before, “she’s pretty fine.  And . . . . you said yourself that she’s fun to talk to.  I would have been ok with just the fine but being more than that is an added bonus.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Chris spews, a forced laugh storming from his stomach and through his lungs. He can feel his stomach clench until he tells himself to stop.  The last thing he should care about, he thinks, is who is or is not flirting with Taylor.  Jenny is the only one he should care about in that regard.

Jenny.

He can feel Jeremy’s gaze still on him.  “Why? Do you want to flirt with her?”

“Of course not,” he says, finally bringing his eyes to his friend, “but she’s the ex-girlfriend of our friend and I just told you she’s still in love with him.”

When Jeremy’s eyes fall behind him, he knows Taylor is near so he allows the conversation to fall.  Luckily for him, Jeremy does as well.  What his friend doesn’t do is not flirt.  Spending much of the next inning throwing subtle flirtatious comments toward Taylor, all the while glancing at Chris.  Chris doesn’t play into his game.  Keeping his gaze on the field, cheering on the Sox when needed, and trying his best to ignore Jeremy’s words and Taylor’s polite responses.

When the sixth inning ends and the first notes of Sweet Caroline start to play, everyone in the room rises to their feet.  Everyone, that is, except Taylor, who looks around, her eyes narrow with confusion.   “What’s going on,” she asks, looking up to him as he stands beside of her.

He reaches down, offering his hand to her, and she takes it without hesitation.  He pulls her beside of him, the words to the song now being sung loudly around them and throughout the stadium.  “Seventh inning stretch,” he says, his voice nearly a yell amongst the noise, “another Boston tradition.  Sweet Caroline is always played and you’ll be booted from the ballpark if you don’t sing along.”  

He’s kidding with the last part and he can tell by her expression that she knows it.  But she moves her amused gaze to the field, looking around it at everyone swaying and swinging.  “I love it,” she says just before she surprises him, stepping into him and sliding her hand around his waist until it rests at his side.  She clutches strongly there.  On impulse, and clearly without thinking, he places his own arm around her shoulders.  She leads their sway, teases his voice to join hers and soon, everyone around them are joined the same way, with their arms and their voices linked to the words of Sweet Caroline.

When the park booms with cheers as the song ends, Taylor turns her body slightly toward him, her arm not moving.  He looks down at her for a few seconds, noting the velvety look on her face, how she is charmed with this experience, with this ballpark and his Red Sox.  “This is fun,” she says and he slips his arm off of her shoulder, moving his hand to his head and removing his cap.  When he plops it down on her head, her smile widens.

“Now you’re a true Sox fan,” he laughs.  

She straightens the cap on her head and from the corner of his eye, he sees his mother’s gentle, and completely questioning, smile.  He shrugs it off.

Mookie Betts hits a go ahead home run in the 8th and, this time, Taylor jumps and cheers along with the rest of his family and friends as he does.  By the 9th, his sisters have drawn Taylor back to them. They sit perched near the window, Shanna and Carly occasionally glancing toward him and smiling.  He knows what is going on.  Knows they are telling stories about him, likely ones he would never want told.  But he knows there is probably more taking place too.  He can’t forget that his sisters too learned from the master.  So, Taylor, likely without having any hint, is being read.  Her expression analyzed.  Her words about him, or anyone really, being silently picked apart and interpreted. They’ve probably asked about Paris. About the hospital visit.  And likely, he fears, about Tom.  

With Taylor occupied by his sisters, his mom finds her way to him.  

“Don’t start,” he says, beating her to the punch before she even sits.  Beside him, Jeremy snickers.  He takes a long draw from his beer.

“Start what?”  She feigns innocence.  

Chris throws a hand up, gesturing toward the women sitting at the window.  “We’re just friends.  Don’t make me regret inviting her here.”

His mother, his all-knowing, all loving, mother, simply winks.  “You wouldn’t regret it no matter what I say.”  And then, she glares.  Not just any glare.  A mothers glare.  It makes him fidget.  “I like her. She’s delightful,” Lisa continues, “You should never regret going anywhere with a delightful woman.”

And then, she says it . . . her eyes gleaming, skepticism written all over her face.  “You found any answers to your Jenny problem yet?”

He closes his eyes, his head shaking, and gives her a firm, “No.”

“Hmmm….,” is all she responds, prompting more snickering from his friend at his side.  

They both stop, thankfully he thinks, when Taylor gets up from her seat with his sisters and makes her way back to him.  

“Sit here,” his mother utters, rising from the chair she has occupied.  She turns to face Taylor, her smile widening.  “By the way, that hat looks perfect on you.”

His eyes fall shut, his jaw clenching.  God love his mom and her subtly.

When the game ends a short time later, he tells Taylor they will wait a few minutes before they leave. Let the crowds die down, let the experience still simmer.

She thanks him, as she does his family, and tells everyone what an amazing time she has had.  His heart grows warm at the smiles that abound around the room.  

By the time his mother takes a seat near them again, both Stella and Ava have taken up residence on Taylor’s lap, both barely awake, their heads resting on her chest.  Miles and Ethan play near her feet, tossing a baseball back and forth between them.  

“Are you leaving Boston soon,” his mom asks, her voice prompting Taylor’s attention to her.

“Tomorrow,” she responds, “I was supposed to leave today, actually yesterday . . . but the storms grounded my plane last night and when Chris mentioned coming to this game today and asked if I wanted to join you all, I couldn’t turn him down.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Lisa smiles, her eyes moving ever so quickly to Chris before placing them back on Taylor.

“I’ll fly to Watch Hill tomorrow.  I have a house there on the beach.”

“The beach,” Miles chimes in, eavesdropping on the conversation, “I want to go to the beach.”

He watches Taylor smile, her face warm and genuine.  “Then you should join me there sometime.  I have a pool and a big inflatable slide.  And I can make a mean s’more.”

Miles’s face lights up when Taylor winks at him and he sees his mother nod slowly.  Taylor turns to him then, lowering her chin, “Really. I’d love to have you all visit one day.”

“They will hold you too that,” Chris laughs.

When she turns back to Miles and Ethan, both enthusiastically watching her from their perches on the floor, she giggles.  “I hope they do.”

His mom pulls her back into conversation a few seconds later, keeping her there until his sister announces that it’s getting late so it’s time to head home.  As the group gets up to leave, Taylor offers hugs all around, wrapping his niece, nephews and Ava into bear hugs and placing kisses on each of their temples.

“Where’s my kiss,” Jeremy asks playfully as he steps in to her and she pulls his head in, brushing her lips against his temple as well.  

Chris meanwhile, stands back, shaking his head until Jeremy notices and shrugs his shoulders animatedly. “You can’t blame a guy for trying.”

He nods, stuffing his hands into his pockets, his laughter spilling over.  “Yes you can.”

Tapping down his hat lower on her head, he leads her out of the box, down an elevator and through a near empty corridor in route to his car.  Night has set in, the warmth of a summer evening tickling upon his skin and immediately causing it to feel dewy.  He loves that feeling.  He always has.  It’s Boston and baseball to him.  It’s home.

He opens the car door, allows her to take a seat, and then closes the door behind her before he heads to the other side and slips in behind the wheel.  With his hands planted firmly upon it, he turns to her, “Are you hungry?  That Fenway Frank didn’t do it for me.”

Her lips slip up into a grin and she nods softly.  “Yeah.”

“The restaurants nearby will be crowded with people from the game.  We can head out a few miles and see what we find.  I know a few places that have private dining rooms or won’t be as busy . . . .”

“Why don’t I cook for you,” she says, her words catching him off guard, “I mean if you want.  You’ve been so amazing to me the past couple of days so I owe you this time.  And I know my way around a kitchen pretty well.”

He eyes her momentarily and then shrugs.  “I have some stuff at my place.  You are welcome to use it . . . . if you don’t mind going there.”

“I don’t mind,” she whispers, her smile never slipping.

It takes them 35 minutes to navigate through traffic, park and take the elevator to his condo.  It takes her about the same amount of time to toss his hat and her purse onto his couch and then pilfer through his kitchen, perching tomatoes, onions, garlic and pasta, along with a few other ingredients, in her arms and then on the counter before she starts cooking.

He attempts to help her. He does.  But he finds himself catching her eyes every time their hands touch or their arms tap against the other, both of them laughing uncomfortably when they do.  When it happens again, she closes her eyes, placing her hands down on the counter briefly before she places her gaze on him and she points to the chair on the opposite side of her.  

“You,” she laughs, noticeably forced, “sit.  No more helping.”  No more touching, he tells himself.

It doesn’t take long before the naturality of their conversation resumes, until he finds himself watching her laugh as she cuts, stirs, simmers and tastes.  She tells him, again, how much she loved the game. Asks him questions about some parts of the game she is unsure of.  She tells him about going to a NBA game and also to an NHL game and he feigns being shot when she tells him she had predicted the Falcons to win the last Super Bowl.  

She makes a dish she calls Pasta ala Taylor, and he devours it.  She grins sheepishly when he tells her it could rival anything he’s eaten at Mamma Mia’s or even at his own mom’s house but makes her promise never to mention that to her.  Scouts honor, she giggles as she crosses her heart with her finger.

Her eyes move about the house and she tells him how much she likes it, how she enjoys its simplicity and the openness of it.  And as she nurses the wine he selected, she mentions how it’s her favorite and she’s surprised that he picked that bottle.  I’m glad I did, he tells her.  

When their meal ends, they find themselves in the same positions they were in the previous night. Both resting back in their chairs, wine glasses perched within their fingertips, their conversation overflowing.

“Really Chris, I enjoyed today.  Your family is amazing.  Even after spending just a few hours with them, I can see how close you all are. It’s how families should be.”  She stops momentarily, looking down at the wine on the table, “And I loved the enthusiasm.  Not just for the game, but for each other, for the kids.  Even for the hot dogs and beer.  You don’t see it as much anymore and I don’t know why.”

He lifts his shoulders, smiling at her words.  “We’ve always been that way.  We love each other, even when we say we hate each other.  We joke and pick on each other and sometimes we fight but we always have each other’s back.  I know that at the end of the day, any day, I always have them to fall back on.  My mom especially.  She’s the nucleaus that we all revolve around.  Our rock.”

The smile that slips onto her lips is the most genuine he believes he has ever seen.  “That’s how my mom is.  She’s my best friend.  She knows me better than I know myself.  When I looked at your mom, I was reminded so much of mine.”

He kicks his leg over his knee, his back fully against the chair.  He watches her for a few silent seconds. Her gentle face. Her easy expression.

“My mom thinks there is something going on between us,” he says, shaking his head.

She bites at her bottom lip, nodding as she chuckles.  “I think everyone in that room thinks something is going on between us.”

He laughs but the expression feels off.  It feels out of place.  Like it’s forced.  Like it’s a cover.  He’s not completely sure why.  

“Anyway, I’m sorry for Jeremy,” he quips, changing the subject.  

Taylor sips from her glass before she smiles.  “I like him. He’s very real . . . very open.  I like that.  And I love the way he dotes on his daughter.  You can take one look and him and tell that Ava is the only woman he needs in his life.”

“He would’ve been ok to let you in too,” he laughs, hating the way his stomach clenches with even the words.  Hating that he continues to say words that he wishes he did not.  

“He was joking.  I know that.” She sips on her wine again and when she brings her glass down, he can see the change in her face.  She waits a few seconds, before she raises those vibrant eyes him.  “Why have you been so nice to me?  Even from the start, you were nice.  I didn’t expect that.”  She takes a deep breath, allowing it to slip from her pierced lips.  “I’m sure you’ve heard everything that’s been said about me recently.”

He allows her words to soak in, allows his mind to go back to the articles he’s seen, the headlines on tabloids in the grocery store, the reports on TV.  “Let me tell you a story,” he starts, resting further back in his chair and planting his eyes on her, “My mom told me when I was 11 years old and came home with a fat lip, courtesy of my so-called friend Brad Cooper, that not everyone has a pure heart.  She had suspected Brad of being fake from the beginning, I had seen it all over her skeptical and cynical face.  But I had talked him up, told her how awesome he was and all these cool things he did. And then, when he convinced me to bring him four Nintendo games to school one day and then proceeded to punch me in the lip and call me a sucker, she sat me down at the kitchen table and explained to me her theory on people.  She said everyone has good in them but not everyone knows how to be good. You have to watch people, listen to them, study them, and then you will see who are the good guys and who are the bad guys.”  He chuckles, shaking his head as he recalls her words.  “Remember, she was talking to an 11 year old.  She also said that a person’s eyes don’t lie.  So, I took her advice to heart and ever since then, when I meet someone, I do as she said.  I watch, I listen, I study and I read their eyes.  And it didn’t take me long to realize you were genuine and your heart, pure.  Granted, I had figured as such.  I know Tom well, Taylor.  I know he is a good man so I knew there must be something good within you for him to fall in love with you.”

She smiles softly, her eyes falling.  “Well I don’t believe he does anymore.”

Breathing heavy, he takes another drink of his wine and then places the glass on his knee, holding it there. “I’d be hard pressed to believe that he doesn’t.”

The depths of those blue eyes fall on him again, twisting a knot in his stomach.  “I’ve been thinking about that.  I did last night.”  After he kissed her, he thinks.  She raises her eyes toward the ceiling.  “Wondering. . . . When is it too much.  Now. Two weeks or two months from now. Never?  When do I take the fall, throw in the towel?  When do I admit that I fought for his love but I lost?  Is there a point where I can soften the blow, limit the pain, and give up?”

“Do you want to give up,” he asks, his words sifting gently in the air.

She shrugs.  “I don’t know.  I just feel . . . . . like an idiot.  I picture myself as this old fisherman.  He keeps throwing his lure out there, waiting for a bite, but getting none.  But still, he just keeps throwing it back out there.  When does he just realize that he’s not going to get a bite and pack up and go home?”

“Taylor, I don’t have an answer for you,” he sighs, wishing beyond reason that he did.  

She smiles softly, knowingly.  “I know. I just wonder if I’m burdening my heart too much, if I’m burdening his life.  I just know that I can’t fight forever for something I have no idea that I’ll ever get back.  My heart, my soul, can’t take that.”

Bringing his glass to his lips, he takes a long, slow draw.  He closes his eyes as he feels it settle in his stomach, the hint of alcohol clouding his senses.  “Your fisherman.  Maybe he’s just scared.  Maybe he’s so used to that river that he’s too tired and too scared, to move to another one.  The uncertainty of another river could scare him more than not knowing if he’ll ever get a bite in the one he’s used to, the one he’s loved going to.  But eventually he’ll get stronger and he’ll realize that he deserves fish just as much as the next guy.  So he’ll move to another river.  When he’s ready.”

“Maybe,” she whispers before she tips her glass up, gulping down the last drink and then placing the glass back on the table, “you know, we are horrible fishermen.”

He laughs, shaking his head. “It’s looking that way.  Yet we keep tossing that lure, don’t we?”  With his own glass in his hands, he swirls the liquid around, his eyes focused on it.  He doesn’t take a drink.  “I called Jenny last night.”  After I kissed you, he leaves out.  After I felt guilty, he also omits.

He can see the surprise in her eyes, hears it when she speaks, “How did it go?”

With a half shrug, he shakes his head.  “It didn’t really.  She said she was busy.  In a meeting. She asked me to call her back today.”

“Have you,” she asks.

He licks his bottom lip. “No.”

She doesn’t ask why but under her breathe, he hears her say, “A nibble.”

She waits a few moments, letting their words settle between them, and then she glances behind her, toward the door at the side of his living room.  “Do you have a balcony?”

“Yes,” he answers.  

Standing, she grabs her glass and reaches it towards him.  “Top me off and then take me to see it.”

Doing as she asks, he fills her glass with wine, then his, and steps in front of her, leading the way to the door.

When she steps outside, he sees her smile brighten.  The city spans like a glistening picture in front of them and for a second, he wonders if she’s thinking of Paris.  If she does, she doesn’t say so.  

He joins her view, realizing that the is the first time he’s even been on his own balcony in a while. He had forgotten how beautiful it was. How soothing.  How relaxing.  He takes a drink of wine, closing his eyes briefly as it, again, clouds his brain.

“Do you know what I miss,” she asks a few seconds later.

He’s not positively sure what she’s talking about so he shakes his head.  “What?”

“The feeling,” she sighs, her gaze still on his beloved city before her, “the way he felt beside of me. How my pulse would race when he touched me.  How I felt safe in his arms.  I miss the feeling.  The pheromones.  The chemical reaction.”

“If that’s what you want, you should have taken Jeremy up on his offer.”  His words are said in jest but he can’t help but regret them once he places them in the open.  And when she doesn’t respond, he regrets them even more.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” he murmurs, glancing at her frozen figure a few feet away.

“No, it’s quite alright. I get what you mean.  But that would be a different river.”  She snickers and he feels a sense of relief wash over him.

Turning around, he rests his rear on the railing of the balcony.  His gaze glosses over her.  She’s beautiful.  There is no denying that.  There never has been.  But as the light of the moon frames her face, he believes her to be even more beautiful. It’s a thought he curses himself for having.  So much so that he pulls his eyes away, placing them almost nervously upon the door into his condo.

“Your leaving tomorrow,” he asks, keeping his eyes focused away from her.

“Yeah.  I’m already a couple days behind schedule.  Not that I mind.  I’ve enjoyed the delay.”  He smiles softly at her words, lowering his head.  “But Watch Hill awaits.  And I meant what I said about bringing your family there.”

“They would like that.”

From the corner of his eye, he sees her lips pull into a grin.  “I would too.”

He feels a smirk on his face, a glint in his eyes.  “You know though,” he scoffs, angling his head to glare at her, “I won’t wear an I love TS shirt.”

And there’s the laugh. The one that sounds like a melody to him.  With her glass teetering between her fingers, she raises both hands up, surrendering to his words.  “That was all him though I’m sure many would love to blame me.  But if you’d like, I can make sure there is an I love JS shirt available.”

His blue eyes land on her, his smirk widening.  “That won’t be necessary.”

“C’mon,” she hisses, her laughter echoing all around them, “that would be the ultimate tossing out of the lure.”

“Ok, but if I wear that, then you do the same for Tom,” he challenges.  When he sees her scrunch her nose, shaking her head, his laughter booms.

Their amusement settles between them and he places his free hand on the railing of the balcony.  “I like this.  Laughing.  Talking. It’s easy and natural.  I don’t recall it being this way with anyone else.”

For a split second, he considers how she will take his words but when he sees her delicate grin, the thought slips from his mind.  “I agree,” she whispers, her voice still melodic and happy and then she winks. “I’m pleased to have officially met you, Captain America.”

With her words, he reaches his hand out, “Pleased to have officially met you too, Ms. Swift.”  

She’s giggling, cackling really, her head thrown back, when she takes his hand.  And there it is.  Again.  A touch. A moment.  A sensation.  He had felt it last night.  He had felt it, but not admitted to it, in Paris.  He felt it earlier today at the game, with her arms around his waist. He’s felt it every time his skin has brushed hers since.  And Jesus, he just felt it again.  And he knows she felt it too.  Because she jerks her hand away and runs a nervous hand through her hair.  

“We need to stop doing that,” she whispers, her words aching with anxiety, “stop touching or getting wrapped up or whatever we’re doing.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull away the next time.”

His breath hitches at her words.  It’s a reaction he can’t stop.  He shakes his head, searching for words, a word, any word, to say.  All he can find is “Yeah” before he clears his throat and tilts his head, “It’s probably just the wine anyway.”

Her smile softens as she hears him.  “Yeah. Probably.”

She excuses herself a few seconds later, telling him she needs to go to the restroom.  He remains on the balcony, his mind raging with thoughts, his body searing with unexplained and unpredicted emotions. What the hell is he doing, he thinks? Is he lonely?  Maybe.  Is he in need of human, female, contact?  Perhaps. But fuck, what is he doing?  

He’s in love with Jenny. She, with Tom.  There is no denying that.  But he also can’t deny that something happens, what he has no clue, whenever he touches Taylor.  Something happens.

He rubs his hand down his face, hoping to find some sort of clarity from the action.  As expected, he doesn’t.  

With one long slow drink, he finishes his wine and then places the glass on the table near him. He slides the door open and he’s greeted by the darkness of his living room, illuminated ever so faintly by the light seeping from his kitchen.  Three steps in, he hears water running and he turns his gaze in the direction it’s coming from.  

The kitchen.

His eyes narrow as he walks toward the room, finding Taylor pressed against the edge of his counter, one hand moving in circles around a plate perched in her other hand.  “What are you doing,” he asks, watching as her body reacts to his sudden words.  Stiffening.

She doesn’t move, keeping her eyes steady on the dishes in front of her.  “Cleaning up.  It would be rude of me to leave this mess for you since I’m the one who made it.”

“I have a dishwasher,” he says, trying to find a laugh, a chuckle, a . . . . something, but he doesn’t.

“That’s ok,” she chimes, placing a clean plate in the right side of his sink before she plunges her hands into the sudsy water in the left and retrieves a pan.  “I enjoy the normalcy of washing dishes.  It helps me think.  Helps me clear my head.”

He takes three long strides across the room, stopping a foot or so away from her and grabbing a dishtowel from the counter.  “I can do it,” she says sharply, “really, it’s not a problem.”

“I can help,” he starts before she interrupts him.

“No . . . really, I can do it.”

She reaches for the towel in his hand, attempts to remove it from him.  All she does though is cause, again, a sensation, a jolt, when her hand inadvertently crosses his.  As if she’s touched an open flame, she pulls it away and plunges it back into the water.

“Is washing dishes really helping,” he pries, his voice ripping through them, increasing the ever-present tension.  

“Helping what?”  Her voice is telling.  She knows.

When he tosses the dishtowel back on the counter and turns around, he catches a glimpse of her closing her eyes, clutching them shut.  He takes a step away but she reaches behind her, her wet hand grasping on his arm.  That’s all it takes.  That simple little contact.

He turns on his heels, his movement thoughtless and quick, and spins her around, pulling her to him. Her eyes flutter and then shut again as soon as she’s near him.  Reaching down, he grabs her other wrist, pulling both hands up until they rest between them.  He can feel his shirt start to dampen but beyond that, he can feel her.  The rapid rise and fall of her chest.  Her hot breath tickling his chin and neck.  He leans into her, resting his forehead on hers.

It’s a moment.  Their moment.  A mind blowing, punch you in the gut, romance novel worth moment.  It’s electric and damn he knows she is feeling it to.

He pulls her wrists, wrapping her arms around him as he presses into her and mimics the action. “Chris,” is all she mutters as her eyes fly open and his lips find hers in a ravenous kiss.  It’s scorching.  Searing. The heat from their bodies, the intensity of their actions, burning between them like a fire.  

He’s not being rational. Damn, he knows that.  He’s not thinking of consequences, not thinking of how this moment, their moment, could hurt others.  All he can think of is Taylor.  Of how she feels.  How she tastes.  How he wants . . . . more.

He can feel her tepid resistance, keeping her lips closed but when he presses his hands on the small of her back and draws her closer to him, she relaxes, falls really, into his kiss. She accepts them hungrily. Readily.  Willingly.  Feeling her on him, wanting him, meeting his kisses time after time, evokes from him things he hasn’t felt in a long time.  He responds by kissing her harder, fiercer, drawing her breath into his as if it’s the last breath he himself will ever have.  

He can’t fucking get enough.

His senses swirl, clouding his brain, twisting his stomach.  His heart pounds wildly as his hands roam and discover, feeling every inch of her that he can, tangling into her hair, pressing her more and more into him. Damn, she feels so amazing.  This feels so amazing.

She quivers when his tongue darks into her mouth.  “Chris,” she utters again against him.  The sound of his name off of her lips engaging him even more.  When his arms move again, he lifts her, placing her ass on the counter as his mouth continues his exploration of her skin.  He can feel her shake against him, can feel every emotion his touch is generating in her body.  It fuels him.  Drives him. Sends him into an unstoppable frenzy.

He catches her breath in his mouth when his lips find hers again.  She purrs, the sound sending a shrill through his body.  Cupping her face in his hands, he moves his mouth to her neck, working there for a few seconds as he feels her press her chest tightly to him.

“What are we doing,” she says breathlessly, pulling her head back only long enough to look into his eyes before she finds his mouth again.  

“Chemical reaction,” he whispers and then grasps his hands on the bottom of her shirt, ripping it up over her head and discarding of it on the floor.  He pushes himself into the counter, in between her legs.  His mouth finds the delicate skin on her neck, biting and nipping at it as his fingers work at the clasp of her bra.  When it flicks open, he pulls it off, revealing her supple breasts to him for the first time.

“Fuck, Taylor,” he mutters just before his lips envelope her nipples.  He suckles, his teeth grazing the skin there every few seconds.  He hears her purr, sees her throw her head back when he raises his eyes just enough to see her face.  

He’s working on her other breast when he feels her tugging at his shirt so he steps back long enough for her to slip it over his head before he finds her breasts again, this time licking, flicking his tongue out over the hardened nipples.  

Her hands are clawing at his jeans.  “You first,” he says, pulling her hands away and then his own finding the button of her jean capris.  She lifts her ass off of his counter so he can tug them and her white lacy panties down her legs and onto the floor.  He eyes her briefly, his body responding instantly to the view of this woman, naked and ready for him.  

Leaning forward, her hands find the waist of his jeans again and he meets them there, helping her unbutton before he pushes them and his briefs down and kicks them away.  Her arms immediately go around his neck, pulling him into her, catching his lips and then wrapping her legs around his torso. He feels her heat instantly.  

Part of his head screams at him to take her to his bed, ravage her there, but he knows he can’t wait that long.  He needs her here.  He needs her now.

His arms encompass her waist, maneuvering her on the counter until she barely rests there.  She moves with him, her body shaking with the same need, her mind knowing exactly what he is doing.  When her legs wrap firmly around him, her center aligning with his hard and ready dick, he thrusts.  Hard. So hard it bucks her body up, her breasts bouncing.  She tightens her arms around his back.

They’re at a place of no return now.  And he doesn’t want to return.  He’s powerless against this . . . whatever this is.  The emotions being elicited.  The need being evoked.  

The nuclear reaction.

He pounds into her again and she rocks her body to meet him with every single movement.  It’s hard and soft.  Fast and slow.  Her mouth is against his, moaning and purring.  Her sounds making him harder, making him want her more, want to hear her more.  

He increases his speed and she moves her hips to intensify the friction.  This time it is Chris who is moaning.  A deep, throaty moan that echoes through his kitchen.  He dips his head, finds her breast again.  Sucking.  Licking. Clenching his arms so tight around her torso.  Pounding into her.  Over and over and over.  She’s wet, slick with her desire for him.  And she’s hot.  Insanely hot. He can feel her nerves pulsating, awakening against him.  It pierces every nerve in him.  

Her fingers scrape down his back as she clings to him, her mouth finding the crook of his neck, kissing there before she kisses a line to his shoulder.  She bites him and he bucks into her, eliciting a long and breathy moan. He drives into her harder.  And harder.  Until he feels her release, feels her cum drenching him.  It drives him to his edge and he feels his dick pulsate inside of her as he pants.  

“Fuck,” he says, his voice raw and broken.  He allows himself to finish in her, his damp forehead pressed to hers, removing himself from her once the nerves stop twitching between them.  He steps into the counter, placing her rear fully upon it again. Neither seem to remember how to breathe.

“Chemical reaction,” she whispers a few seconds later, causing him to cough out a ragged breath as he places another kiss on her shoulder.  

They catch their breaths, regulate their breathing, holding each other, she still on the counter, he between her legs directly in front of her.  She places her head onto his, aiming her gaze down.  Her fingers pad softly along the tattoo on his collarbone. Leaning down, she kisses it.

“We keep getting wrapped up,” she whispers when she raises her head, placing it back on his.  “And you still need to take me back to the hotel.”

“Do you want to go back to the hotel,” he presses, his voice still ragged and raw.  He doesn’t move from her.

Against him, she shakes her head.  “No.”

“Then don’t,” he says just as he tightens his arms around her waist and pulls her off the counter. Her lips find his when he does.

“Show me your bedroom,” she whispers, tangling her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.

He does as she pleases. And they please each other again, tossing bedsheets aside as they taste and tease each other.  Her lips on his length.  His tongue inside of her.  He smiles when he makes her cum.  Again. And his senses tingle in overdrive when she does the same for him.  They move together for an hour more, until both collapse with exhaustion and fall into sleep.  

He awakens the next morning with the brilliant Boston sun beaming directly into his eyes.  Shit, he mumbles to himself before he rubs his hands down his face, noting the soreness and exhaustion in his body as he moves. A smirk lights up his face when he remembers why.  

Chemical reactions. Nuclear fucking reactions.  With Taylor.

He rolls over, anticipating finding the woman responsible for his fatigue, but instead finding a single piece of paper.  As he reads it, he notices for the first time that his shower is running.  “Borrowing your water,” it says, a simple smiley face after her words.  It makes him smile.  

He’s considering joining her, considering yet another mind-blowing reaction, when her phone starts to ring from the living room.  He glances to the room and then to the bathroom.  

“Taylor, your phone,” he says, noting the hoarseness in his voice as he tries to speak.

The water continues as does the phone so he reluctantly pushes himself up and slips from the bed. His body feels as if it creaks.  “Taylor . . . .,” he yells again, his voice muffled by the screeching ring.

He figures it’s Brandon. Likely panicked with worry at her not returning last night.  He would assume it’s probably his tenth call, a half dozen texts likely there as well.

But as he grabs the phone from the table and turns to make his way back to the bedroom, he notices for the first time the name that appears on the screen.

His eyes fall shut and he shakes his head.

Tom.